Monday, April 23, 2012


So.... a certain dear friend of mind said something to me the other day that was something like this:

"More than anything, I hope that I am coming across as the person I want to be."

Well, I thought that was interesting. Until he said that, I had never realized the disconnect between what goes on inside of us and what goes on outside of us so clearly. I would like to submit that perhaps what we are trying to portray sometimes gets in the way of what we are trying to become.

But, of course, there is more to it than that.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

For anyone who is wondering....

Excerpt from a recent journal entry...

"The next day was Sunday. I went to church and enjoyed it thoroughly. It was a beautiful day. I thought about my wonderful fiance all morning and ways to make this work and things I'm grateful for and love about him. I forgot to mention we were both fasting about changing the date of the wedding.

I had a text from him after church, asking when he could come over. He came over. He was stiff as a board, but I tried to be loving. We went for a walk.

He ended it.
Not just the engagement. Everything.

I wouldn't have it. I told him I loved him, I'd wait for him if he'd let me, if he really wanted to be with me, I'd wait. He said he'd let me, but he didn't want me to.

I made him stay until my best friend showed up."

March 30th 2012 Friday
"2012 has truthfully been a doozy of a year.
And it's only March!
Well, this week was one of the longest of my life. And I need to write about it but it's so hard to find the words... It would be easier just to say that things happened that are too wondrous to be written. And I don't mean that as a cop-out, but a true depiction of how I feel.

But I should at least try. Monday was tough. Him and the whole situation was all I could think about. I tried to throw myself into school and work, but it was still the only thing on my mind. My sister kidnapped me and took me out to Village Inn after work. I appreciated the escape. When I got home I texted him that I love him and was thinking about him and believe in him. Then I stayed up way too late goofing off with my brother and bestfriend. He didn't respond until the next evening. I was struggling through work again, thinking only of him. I'm halfway through leaving a message and I get a text from him. Pretty sure my heart stopped or something. He thanked me for my concern and he said he believes he'll get his life "back in balance," whatever that means. Typical vague text from him, could be taken any way I choose. Anyway, I took my break and called my bestfriend. But she didn't seem too eager to talk. So I ran out to my car, climbed inside, and talked to God. Granted, I'd been praying constantly since it happened. I mean, that's all I ever do anyway. But I sat in my car and I rested my head on the wheel and I conversed with my Father in Heaven. And I pleaded with Him. I plead for mercy and forgiveness and peace. For myself and for him. I begged Him to please help me to just enjoy my job and be able to live my life and do the things I love without this hanging over my head. I think my final exasperated phrase was
"I just want to help people!"
And I went back to work.

And I've felt great since. And I mean that.

It's the most mysterious and wonderful sensation... The Savior's Atonement truly does swallow up all pain and disappointment. I've been so focused on the Savior that the hurt has very little room to force its way in. But I have to say that not even that is an adequate depiction. Because I can promise that the hurt does exist, and it's right there inside of me, completely vulnerable to the influences of this world, not locked away in a vault of denial at all. And yet... There stands my Savior, carrying all the worst of it for me, and allowing me to enjoy the things in my life that are still intact, that are so wonderful, that are worth more than any remedy the world has to offer.

Sigh.... It's really so impossible to express. Words are completely inadequate in spiritual matters.

Friends surround me and my family needs me. School is wonderful in all the ways that it's supposed to be. I not only have a job, but one that I enjoy, that pays well considering. I enjoy working hard in all I do and


That's really the most eloquent way I can state it and it's still so simple."