Weddings.

Yesterday I prayed a lot.


...it worked. :)
That's all.

Just some ideas being tossed around in the dryer.

Growing up is weird.
Change is why we're here.
Faith gets us through.
Agency is power.

To be in time means to change.
-C.S. Lewis

My mind is full of big ideas. Massive concepts. But they're just stuck in there. I have such a hard time squeezing them out. Occasionally I attempt to share one, but when I do I feel as if it's been condensed. Now it's the Reader's Digest version of my profound idea, it shrunk in the dryer and doesn't fit exactly the way it did before.

Some shrunken, shriveled, wrinkled, watered down major big conceptual ideas:

Change

Faith

Agency

Creation

Fall

Atonement

Love and Pride

The main reason I fell into such adamant admiration of Mr. Fred Rogers is because of his astounding ability to convey big ideas in such simple terms. (Check out the alliteration in that last sentence!) Simple enough for a child to understand. The gospel is simple. I want my ideas to be simple. I analyze all of the information that I take in and desperately grasp several concepts at once, trying to tie them all together. It seems to work fine in my mind but when I start to put it into words the threads become thinner and some of them break and everything gets all jumbled up again.

I just feel as though there are only a few underlying concepts to understand in this life. They really are quite simple, but we spend our whole lives examining their complexities in an attempt to comrehend something beyond our mortal comprehension.

I suppose what brings me peace is knowing that we are not meant to understand all things at this time, only what we can. We learn to trust God and be at peace with the fact that the universe is in His merciful, loving hands. We learn to love the questions in our heart as line upon line glorious mysteries are unfolded.

And that is the joy and the glory of this life: To inevitably bring to pass (line upon line, precept by precept) the immortality and eternal life of man.

"Behold, great and marvelous are the works of the Lord. How unsearchable are the depths of the mysteries of Him; and it is impossible that man should find out all His ways. And no man knoweth of His ways save it be revealed unto him; wherefore, brethren, despise not the revelations of God."
Jacob 4:8

Emotions Unplugged

As courageous as I deem myself to be
your arms drown me in undeniable peace
A peace that I crave every second
of every year and when I’m not within it
I swoon with the uncertainty
Oblivious to what this could be
I skip lightly through the flowered days trying not
to sink too deep into the sweet smelling soil
of your still meadows
But if I did, I know you’d be there waiting
to envelope me in your unfathomable calm
In the deep brown light that hides
under your perpetual eyelashes
I set myself aglow
And even now, as my pen glides across
this yellowed sheet of paper
There is unshakable fear settling in my heart
beside ancient, bottomless stores of hope
They swirl together to create
the mist that sparkles in my eyes
when I look up and see through
your transparent manifestation
I trust that some omnipotent Creator
placed me here in your arms to
blanket me in peace
despite my failed courage


I wrote that over the weekend. About a boy that I guess is pretty special to me right now.
The last few months have been kind of a whirlwind of awesomeness. My first semester of college is wrapping up in the next few weeks.
College? I started this blog when I was a sophomore in high school. I finally understand what people mean when they say that the things you go through in junior high and high school aren't as important as you think they are. But there's no way for anyone to possibly understand that until they've lived through it.

Despite the fact that passionful crushes fade and friendships become long distance, the things we experience as adolescents really are important. Maybe I won't marry my high school sweetheart, but my experiences with him and everyone and everything else made me who I am today. Now I understand what people mean when they say that teenagers are living in their own reality, but that doesn't change the fact that it IS reality for them. I have always disliked how my age defines me.

I have so many dreams..
The literal, symbolic kind that scare me half to death because they are so full of meaning
and the figurative, hopeful wishing kind.

I think of all the things I could do if I really applied myself like the people in history that you hear stories about. The kind of people that start at the bottom but out-work everyone else until they get to the top. I'm the kind of person that floats around in the middle because I'm talented enough to get by, but not motivated enough to push myself to the top. That's a pretty picture.. Sigh. I've always been a floater.

Some examples of crazy dreams:

- American Sign Language Interpreting for General Conference
- Directing a high school or fireside choir
- Singing for an EFY CD or something of that nature

The problem with pursuing my dreams is that there are only two things I am truly passionate about, two things that I really sincerely ache for:

1. To serve and love every single human being that I ever come in contact with
2. Be the best full-time wife and mother that Tori Jensen can possibly be

That's all I really care about. Even the things I dream about and would love to do come in second to those two desires. Everything I do, everything I focus on goes back to those two things. And the gospel, but I figure that's just a given. I'm reminded of the talk "Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall" by Dallin H. Oaks. Check it out: http://lds.org/liahona/1995/05/our-strengths-can-become-our-downfall?lang=eng&query=strengths+can+become+our+downfall
As I read through this, I was surprised to discover how many of his examples applied to me. I never thought that there would be a way to rely on the gospel TOO heavily. But lo and behold, when you put it that way..

I suppose that's why my personal spiritual theme for the semester seems to be learning how to rely on myself and my own power to make decisions and do what's right. For so long I have relied heavily on my testimony and being in tune with the spirit, which of course I still do. But Heavenly Father is making it clear to me that I have the knowledge and skills I need to make my own righteous decisions. I've been learning about Agency. It is more than just a gift He gave us to make us happy. Agency is the POWER to be like Him. Our Agency is what gives us the potential to be Godlike. No matter what conditions we are born with or born into, we have a choice to be happy or not. The Gospel trumps EVERYTHING. No matter what hand we are dealt in this life, we have the trump card, the Gospel, that wins every round. We came to this life to learn how to use the unfathomable power of Agency.

One more thing. This comes from a stupid 5-page paper I had to write for my Home and Family Management class, but I worked hard and believe this is well-constructed paragraph:

"Preparation and planning work harmoniously together when we use our planning resources to prepare, specifically prepare for the unexpected. By implementing future plans and utilizing schedules, we organize the resources and information that we already have so that we can exploit them to the optimum level when we collide with time in the present. We have all heard the John Lennon adage “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” Let us then make plans for life to happen, and avoid the intense friction that occurs when what we thought should happen does not coincide with what in reality does happen."

On that note, just a reminder that "whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." And if we are righteously striving daily to reach our potential by being anxiously engaged and consistently repenting, then we have no need to fear. Just keep loving.

A Good Day to Write

At the circus of life I took a leap
from the platform that kept my
feet on solid ground.
I leapt expecting you to catch me
but you were not found
And I was left tangled in a heap
while you grinned down at me
and said "I'm sorry,
this wasn't meant to be."

Oh, soul, why did I leap?
I should have walked the rope,
inching my way slowly forward
with nothing to regret.
Or covered myself with masks
and makeup
to hide my aching scars.
Or trained the animals
for surely they would never drop me
like your able, willing arms
strong enough to let me go.
I leapt because I had to fall
to learn what I already should know.


Yeah so... It's kinda funny that I haven't written since August. I don't even remember August. I don't remember what I was doing or who I was. I guess I don't really want to.
I have a mirror in my bedroom. Almost a year ago I wrote the words "Be in the moment!" in dry erase marker on my mirror. I think I stole these words from a conference talk. Pretty sure. I wrote them there because I was trying desperately to enjoy myself at the end of my senior year, while battling some of the hardest trials I've had to face, and serious depression. I was trying to discipline my mind to stop dizzying me with all the should-haves and could-bes, and just laugh and celebrate the right-nows.

It's ironic though, because I don't remember any of those right-nows. I guess it's a good thing I kept a journal so I can remember all the good things that happen in my life.
Stupid should-haves and could-bes..

In 12 days, it will be 1 whole year since one of the most defining days in my life. I never foresaw the impact this day would have on my life for the next year. I never imagined the could-be that I am today. I am not who I was a year ago. I am not who I was 2 months ago! The experiences I am having now are so influential that the growth I'm experiencing is overwhelming. Becoming an "adult" is not a simple transformation.

I have two unfinished drafts and I'm starting another one..

The other day I was reading through some of my old posts and I remembered just exactly how this silly blog started.


Once upon a time, I was really upset, had no one to talk to, and didn't feel like writing in my journal. So I went to my computer, and rambled through typing. It worked. It was a good outlet. And no one read it. So it was fine. Just fine.


Then one day, a few months later, I was reading the Ensign and it was a special issue about using technology for good. That's when I decided to use the blog to bare my testimony whenever I felt like it. But then it kind of turned into this thing where I felt obligated to preach and have a great message and make myself sound great and smart through my writing.


Well, I'm taking a page out of the old manual. I DO have two unfinished drafts, and they are GREAT ideas that I want to share with the world, eventually. But I have come to the sincere conclusion that I don't have to write a sermon every time I post. Sometimes I just want to sit and let my feelings explode through typage. Sometimes I need that..


So.. What's been on my mind lately? Let's explore my feelings....


As far back as I can remember, my family has been going to eat at TGI Friday's on Foothill Boulevard. My brother worked his butt off and earned the noble title of general manager. We'd go there with family, and I'd take my friends there. My brother would get me good deals and special treatment for girl's choice dances. Heck, I even had my birthday party there once.

Anyway, the point I'm getting to here is that last Saturday was the last time I'll ever have dinner at Friday's on Foothill. The restaurant is gone. Now I will elaborate on why this is significant.

Sugarhouse is more than just a place where I spent the first eleven years of my life. And it's more than just my hometown, or "where I grew up." I didn't realize this until recently, but it means a lot more to me than that. Sugarhouse represents life before things got hard. Life before I was left on my own, and had to learn how to take care of myself. Life before Conrad died, and Dad got sick.

Let's face it, most of the time I pretend like I don't remember "life before." And that works just fine, most of the time. But when I'm honest with myself, I remember plenty. I remember being a kid, and being carefree. And I remember Mom and Dad arguing with each other and with older brothers. I remember being scared of them. I say it was because I was shy. Sure I was shy, but I was also terrified of their anger.

I remember what it felt like the night Conrad died. I don't know if anyone else does, they don't talk about it. But I remember. I remember the blank faces awith wet eyes looking down at me telling me lies. Telling me everything was okay, when they knew it wasn't. Telling me it would be okay, when they weren't sure.

I remember moving. I remember being torn to pieces because I promised my friend I would say goodbye. And I never got the chance.

I remember plenty. I remember singing on the front porch. It was my favorite stage. I remember hair clips being turned into hair monsters. And bike tires being turned into ice cream makers. I remember 4th of July parades. And trips to Video Verns to get Smurfs movies. I remember singing to the Beatles while we drank refills from Rainbow Mart. I remember falling on top of Mark Macey one day while playing "Girls chase Boys" and getting my boot stuck in the huge snow mountain in the stake center parking lot on the way home from school one day, because Tyrel was dawdling as usual. I remember drawing pictures with Paige, and eating dinner with Sara. Walking to piano lessons, coloring at Ann's house, Shelby's weird mom always favoring the girls. Burping contests and tree climbing and ant hunting and..

The point is.. I remember plenty.

And it's gone now. Dilworth-where David and I played boogie monster-is gone, the chapel-where Conrad's and Bud's funerals were held-is gone, the farvorite climbing tree-where Tyrel and I conquered the world-is gone, the Rainbow Mart is a laundromat, Video Verns is.. who knows what. The dentist remodeled and the horses and video games that we always fought over are gone. Even the Redman buliding was redone..
And now Friday's. It's gone.

Childhood. It's gone.
Grow up Tori.

Something uplifting?

Well, I've been looking over some of my friend's blogs. I realized that my last few posts have been a little cynical. I guess I just needed an outlet. Somewhere to vent that I'm allowed to sound like an uppity know-it-all and not have to be judged for it.

But now I just want to type up something more inspiring for the next post. I used to have good things to say.. I still do. But lately I have been denying my feelings so much that it's hard to get them out in the open enough to learn something from them and inspire others along the way.

I guess I'm in a pretty tough place right now. Most of my peers don't know the difference. A tough place for me still seems pretty amazing to some of them. Alright so I haven't stopped saying my prayers, and I'm still reading my scriptures every day, and I get around to some missionary work every now and then. But the last couple of weeks.. My heart hasn't been in it. I got so busy and exhausted the last week of school that "scripture study" became reading a few verses in sleepy ignorance before I fell asleep on my knees while trying to get through a prayer at one in the morning.

The hardest thing is knowing what I need to do. I know I have to get organized first. Clean my room, do some laundry, make some lists. Then, magically, things will start to happen. I don't know why it seems so hard sometimes. I know I'm not as happy as I could be, I'm just kind of sliding by. I think it's just that when we find ourselves in these gospel "slumps" we kind of numb ourselves and get lazy. We know we could be happier, but by now we've forgotten what being happier feels like, and we feel okay right now, so there's really no reason to try harder when we're doing okay.

Ever seen that show "World's Strictest Parents"? They send rotten, seemingly hopeless teenagers to a good, "strict" family for a week. ONE WEEK, and there is almost always a significant transformation in these teens. Emotionally, and even physically. It seems like every time the transformation comes because the teens find themselves in completely eye-opening situations. They have to take responsibility for their actions, and they find in themselves that they actually do want a promising future. They were just.. taking the easy route. It all goes back to the road of least resistance versus the road of greatest happiness.

I found this great talk from 1972. You really should just read the entire talk. It's marvelous. But I'll try to hit on all the good stuff. President Paul H. Dunn quotes three famous philosophers as the outline for his talk:

1. Socrates wrote: "Know thyself."
2. Cicero said: "Control thyself."
3. and the Savior said: "Give thyself"

"Know thyself"
This is fairly self-explanatory. And obviously something I haven't been doing so well since I've been too afraid to face my own feelings. Not only do we have to be honest with ourselves, but we have to know with no doubt in hearts that we are children of God. We have Heavenly parents and divine potential. President Dunn says: "The word can't is false doctrine in the Mormon church. When a young man says to me, 'I can't do it,' I become concerned because in a sense he is saying, 'I don't understand the gospel.' " We have to know who we are, and understand the power that lies within us.

President Dunn also details an inspiring story about Babe Ruth and his faithful, optimistic attitude. When someone asked Babe Ruth "What do you do when you get in a batting slump?" This is what he said:

"I just keep goin' up there and keep swingin'. I know the old law of averages will hold good for me same as it does for anybody else, if I keep havin' my healthy swings. If I strike out two or three times in a game, or fail to get a hit for a week, why should I worry? Let the pitchers worry, they're the guys who're going to have to pay for it later on."

This is easily comparable to our "gospel slumps." Just like Babe Ruth, we just have to keep swingin'. We just have to keep reading our scriptures and saying our prayers and we'll average out. And the pitchers that have to pay for it later on? Well they represent Old Scratch and his angels.. I always come out as a better person when I've been through trial, and that makes me a stronger force in the battle against evil. So while Satan may celebrate my misery, he's worried about later on because he knows if I make it through, I'll be even stronger than before.

Dunn later goes on to say
"It's one thing to be born with ability to succeed; it's another thing to harness it and to control it."
And before finishing with a story says:
"The Savior said, Take all that I have given you, harness it, discipline it, and then give it to the world. Give thyself."

It's really an amazing talk. You should read it. Go look it up on lds.org.

But anyway, where I was going with all of this is that a slump is just a slump. Everyone's allowed a slump every now and then, because none of us are perfect. But don't let it get to the point where it's really hindering your spiritual progression. Always try as hard as you can to press forward. The more you do, the more you will realize how worth it is to choose the path of greatest happiness. That's right, happiness. Don't be content with just okay, strive for something greater.

I pretty much typed this as a sermon to myself.. Sometimes teaching is the best way of internalizing something.

Happy summer.

Once upon a missionary..

I love missionaries. I write letters to them occasionally.
I have a testimony of missionary work and the importance of it.
I'm in love with a missionary in Brazil.

The above statements are the facts of the case, and they are undisputed.
They are, in fact, true statements.

However, some LDS culture surrounding missionaries and the work they do baffles and even irritates me.

True: I am in love with a missionary in Brazil.
False: I am "waiting" for him to return in the hopes that we will one day be married.

"Waiting" for missionaries. Oh freaking brother.

First of all, girls, you shouldn't be steady-dating a guy before his mission anyway. He's got better things to do with his time. Guys, before your mission you need to stay far away from any relationship that threatens to turn you into a whipped mess. You have better things to do with your time, more eternally significant things to prepare for, more important spiritual matters that need to be the focus of your thoughts.

If you haven't been steady dating, that completely eliminates the need to "wait" in the first place. Problem solved.

Secondly, if you do happen to meet your future spouse in high school (Hey, I'm a believer now alright? I'm in love remember?), Heavenly Father knows it, and he'll make sure everything works out between you and said lover. It's not your job to question His intentions. He's omnipotent, all-knowing, all that jazz. Your job is to trust Him and live your life in such a way that manifests that trust.
Girls, "waiting" for a missionary is not trusting in God. I'm not saying you have to go out and throw yourself into the arms of the next guy that comes along. But just BE REAL with yourself.
Only 7% of girls who decide to "wait" actually make it the full two years, for whatever reason. You must be willing to accept the idea that the relationship may not work. Just as importantly, only 3% of girls who plan on waiting for their missionary actually marry him.

I'm not saying you can't hope that you'll end up with this preemie who seems to be the man of your dreams--Ive hoped every day for the past 6 months--just know that you need to BE REAL with yourself. You are not the exception to the rule just because you decide to be. You can't make things happen that the Lord (all-knowing, omnipotent, all-powerful..) doesn't have planned for you. It may not work out. Deal with it.

On the plus side, if it doesn't work out, Heavenly Father has someone even better for you in the works. Isn't that an exciting prospect? It seems impossible that there could be someone better right? But you'll never beat the Lord in a game of Jeopardy. He's the one who put all that knowledge in Albert Einstein's brain. He knows what's out there. Don't trick yourself into believing that you know more than He does.

True: I have a testimony of missionary work and the importance of it.
False: I tell evey non-member I meet that they are damned to hell.

No sir. I don't hand them a copy of the Book of Mormon either.
Talk to them about the church and my testimony of it daily? You betcha.

The key to having non-member friends is The Golden Rule.
"Treat others as you would like to be treated."

Ever heard of it?

If you want someone to accept your religious beliefs, you must first acknowledge and accept their religious beliefs. I have non-member friends that I bear my testimony to every day. Why do they tolerate such bold behavior? Because I don't ask them to agree, just to listen. I don't insist that I'm right, because to do so would be to insist that their beliefs are wrong. It's not my job to tell them that they're wrong. That's the Holy Ghost's job. Are you the Holy Ghost? I don't think so. So stop trying to get paid for his work.

End of current rant.