So he sent his Son...

Something I have learned about life:

Nobody knows what they're doing.

Life is not about knowing, it's about doing. And even more than that, it's about being.

Commandments are such a blessing. They lead us to the greatest happiness attainable.
The gospel is so simple. It's like a color-by-number. We are given all the tools/colors we need and the instructions are clear. All we have to do is color each number the right color, even if it looks awkward or ugly to us when we see it in pieces. God can see the big picture and knows what color each section needs to be to make it the most pleasing and beautiful.

It's not about knowing what we're doing, or being able to comprehend everything that's going on. It's about trusting the Savior enough to not dwell on the things that have hurt us, but to be so caught up in the gratitude of what is going on right now around us that all we see is a future filled with hope and joy.

It's not about how hard or difficult it is, although the trials come to all of us, it's about rising above them and letting those trials make us better step by refining step.

Sometimes we jump in the ocean thinking that we know how to swim and God will keep the sharks away from us. But then we get tired and the sharks are nipping at our ankles and we forget why we jumped in the first place.

But all that matters is Him. All that matters is getting back to Him. All that matters is kicking as long and as hard as I can to show Him that I am thankful for what He did for me, to show Him that I am willing to do my part, feeble and meager as it may be.

And when I think of that day when He will be waiting there for me with outstretched, open arms... I know that everything I have suffered and will suffer in this life is worth it, worth it because He suffered, because He loves me. Because He paid the true price to make it worth it.

Because He loves me.

You are my sunset.
Daily surrounded by it's warmth
but never able to ignore
the growing anticipation
of the darkness of the night.

You are my sunrise
Rays of unwelcome sunlight
sneak through the curtains of my heart
to blind me every instant
with unfaltering sensation.

Every beam of you
breaks through stormy clouds
While the sweltering heat of you
scorches my heart as it melts...

And I am left there, glistening as my sun sets.

"I do not know why a man should be ashamed of knowing the truth because somebody else does not know it." George Albert Smith

Sometimes I get in trouble for having a "big mouth". And what I mean by big mouth is that I open it and words come out before I take the time to think through what I am saying and make sure that it is not offensive in the slightest to anyone in the room.

I really admire people who are skilled at thinking before they speak. Those people that don't say much, but when they do it's always worth listening to. Those people are my heroes.

I am not one of those people. I am the person that says what everyone else is thinking but nobody else is dumb enough to say. Today my dad said I'm Luna Lovegood.

Thanks, Dad.


Here's the thing - I can't figure out why everyone seems to be afraid of the truth. Truth is well.. truth. And nothing to be ashamed of. Even if the truth is that you are terrible at bowling, or you get scared when the lights go out at the movie theater, or sometimes you cry, or you try really hard to be different and sometimes it comes across as tacky, or you feel crappy because life never seems to go your way, or you hurt because somebody cheated on you. I don't care what the truth about you is, I'll love you anyway. I would just much rather know the truth about you than have you put on some show and try to make me believe that you are something that you're not.

And that goes both ways. I'd rather people know the ugly truth about me and love me for who I am than have to waste all kinds of energy portraying what I think people want me to be just to have them appreciate me for something that I'm not. Wow, that was a sentence. But really. I'd rather be disliked for something that I am than something that I'm not.

Problem is, not everybody seems to feel the way that I do about this. Which means that I need to be respectful of other people's wishes and personalities and comfort zones and try not to have such a big mouth all the time. And try not to force the ugly truth on everyone all the time. Some people would rather gloss over it. And that's just easier for them. I can respect that.

But then why am I the one that gets accused of living in a fantasty land of faith?


Faith is truth. Faith is REAL power. That's no fantasy. The illusions we create every day by not being true to ourselves and subsequently to each other are exactly why we need faith. We need faith in the Holy Spirit and in the Savior to bring us clarity of mind so that we can see life as it is, instead of waltzing through life by mere "seeming." Because like Marie K. Hafen said "Mere seeming thwarts our develoment." That's a much better speech than the one I'm rambling off. If you want you can read it here:
http://www2.byui.edu/Presentations/transcripts/devotionals/2000_10_03_hafen.htm


Anywho. Sorry for the lack of eloquence in the post relative to previous posts. But not really that sorry. Because we all know I write this blog selfishly and not for a real audience anyway.

The end.

Adventure

Experience has a way of opening your mind, and you feel smarter for a brief moment. But really what happened is the world just got bigger, so in reality you are even smaller than you were before.

But you still are.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

...there is too much to say and too little.

I feel like my family is walking through hell this year.
And you know what I think of it? I think.. Shoot. That's what I get for praying for things to bring us closer together. Because even though we seem to be walking through the valley of Death, we are walking through it together, helping each other up along the way as each of us stumbles in turn. And it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And that, my friends, is how love conquers all.
Even the most ugly of distortions and trials become beautiful when we all survive together.

http://youtu.be/i6N0sNMKFO4
iloveyourufus

Perspective.

So.... a certain dear friend of mind said something to me the other day that was something like this:

"More than anything, I hope that I am coming across as the person I want to be."

Well, I thought that was interesting. Until he said that, I had never realized the disconnect between what goes on inside of us and what goes on outside of us so clearly. I would like to submit that perhaps what we are trying to portray sometimes gets in the way of what we are trying to become.

But, of course, there is more to it than that.

For anyone who is wondering....

Excerpt from a recent journal entry...

"The next day was Sunday. I went to church and enjoyed it thoroughly. It was a beautiful day. I thought about my wonderful fiance all morning and ways to make this work and things I'm grateful for and love about him. I forgot to mention we were both fasting about changing the date of the wedding.

I had a text from him after church, asking when he could come over. He came over. He was stiff as a board, but I tried to be loving. We went for a walk.

He ended it.
Not just the engagement. Everything.
Over.

I wouldn't have it. I told him I loved him, I'd wait for him if he'd let me, if he really wanted to be with me, I'd wait. He said he'd let me, but he didn't want me to.

I made him stay until my best friend showed up."

March 30th 2012 Friday
"2012 has truthfully been a doozy of a year.
And it's only March!
Well, this week was one of the longest of my life. And I need to write about it but it's so hard to find the words... It would be easier just to say that things happened that are too wondrous to be written. And I don't mean that as a cop-out, but a true depiction of how I feel.

But I should at least try. Monday was tough. Him and the whole situation was all I could think about. I tried to throw myself into school and work, but it was still the only thing on my mind. My sister kidnapped me and took me out to Village Inn after work. I appreciated the escape. When I got home I texted him that I love him and was thinking about him and believe in him. Then I stayed up way too late goofing off with my brother and bestfriend. He didn't respond until the next evening. I was struggling through work again, thinking only of him. I'm halfway through leaving a message and I get a text from him. Pretty sure my heart stopped or something. He thanked me for my concern and he said he believes he'll get his life "back in balance," whatever that means. Typical vague text from him, could be taken any way I choose. Anyway, I took my break and called my bestfriend. But she didn't seem too eager to talk. So I ran out to my car, climbed inside, and talked to God. Granted, I'd been praying constantly since it happened. I mean, that's all I ever do anyway. But I sat in my car and I rested my head on the wheel and I conversed with my Father in Heaven. And I pleaded with Him. I plead for mercy and forgiveness and peace. For myself and for him. I begged Him to please help me to just enjoy my job and be able to live my life and do the things I love without this hanging over my head. I think my final exasperated phrase was
"I just want to help people!"
And I went back to work.

And I've felt great since. And I mean that.

It's the most mysterious and wonderful sensation... The Savior's Atonement truly does swallow up all pain and disappointment. I've been so focused on the Savior that the hurt has very little room to force its way in. But I have to say that not even that is an adequate depiction. Because I can promise that the hurt does exist, and it's right there inside of me, completely vulnerable to the influences of this world, not locked away in a vault of denial at all. And yet... There stands my Savior, carrying all the worst of it for me, and allowing me to enjoy the things in my life that are still intact, that are so wonderful, that are worth more than any remedy the world has to offer.

Sigh.... It's really so impossible to express. Words are completely inadequate in spiritual matters.

Friends surround me and my family needs me. School is wonderful in all the ways that it's supposed to be. I not only have a job, but one that I enjoy, that pays well considering. I enjoy working hard in all I do and
I LOVE THE GOSPEL.

I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED BECAUSE
HE LOVES ME.

That's really the most eloquent way I can state it and it's still so simple."