Transformation 101

Hey guys, I'm back.

No, truthfully. I feel like I was dead for awhile. Life in 2012 was like a tsunamic wave that crept up from behind and crashed down on my family all at once. And as we stand here all huddled together, soaked to the bone and just a little bit shaky from the mere shock of it all, we watch as the water settles down to the usual back and forth of the waves along the shore.

I've obviously been living by the beach for too long.


There was a period of time where I used this phrase quite often to motivate myself:
  "Don't let the hurt turn you into something you're not."

The sentiment is well-intentioned and inspired me through difficult times. However, I have come to realize that there is a step up from this way of thinking.
We ought to have trials, yes ought. We ought to be learning and becoming something, you see, a life fully lived is a life of consistently becoming. What we become well, that is called agency.

Something I said often this past semester was that I felt like I was going through a sort of ongoing transformation process. It was intensely painful and not exactly pretty. The grotesque distortions of my character are not something that the people close to me enjoyed, nor are they something I am proud of. I tried so hard to embrace the pain of concentrated transformation, but pain is never easy to endure. Thankfully, the Lord took care of the hardest parts of it for me already, and was there to hold my hand along the way. He never left me alone, even when the people around me were apt (and probably wise, haha) to do so.

I came to learn that transformation, or becoming, is not always a beautiful, magical process. Transforming into an enriched and enhanced creature is a process full of daily difficulties.

But this burning... I am left with this burning in my heart. Yes, I would call it a burning. It is less than a complete conversion (because I am not perfect just yet), but more than the simpleness a feeling. This is a burning that I have sorely missed. This most recent emotion is nothing less than the warmth of the Savior as He takes my broken, tender heart in His hands and tenderly stitches up the healing wounds. His graceful hands and astounding love smooth out wrinkles and sore spots and my soul is encompassed with a warm gratitude.

This gratitude seeps into daily activities as I strive each day to represent and honor Him. And even now I am humbled yet again as I realize that all this time I thought I was being prepared for these experiences, but now I know that these experiences are preparing me for even greater things ahead.

And so the cycle continues, the cycle of becoming. But what we become, that is called agency.

Finals

This is it:

There is right. And there is wrong.

There are so many battles raging all over the world about what is right and what is wrong. We all point fingers and we all think we know what’s best for everyone else. We all get offended and we all offend others. The new trend is such that we define for ourselves what is morally right and wrong. What’s right for you may not be right for another person, supposedly.

Amid all the debates in the media, in the news, in politics, in different cultures, in daily life that are spat about and tossed around each and every day, I wish to proclaim just one thing:

Jesus Christ is the Savior. He came, He lived, He suffered, He died. He did it because He loves us.

That’s it. That’s all that matters. That’s my whole life. I am nothing without Him. I am worthless without His Atonement. Worthless because without it I would never be perfect enough to live up to my full potential. I am horribly imperfect. I do so many things wrong. I say the wrong things. I offend people. I don’t show people I love them enough. Sometimes I simply don’t love people enough. I judge, I sin. I would not be happy, I would be miserable without Him. HE IS MY EVERYTHING. I owe everything to Him.

To all the people that I love so very much but don’t show it enough: I’m sorry. To all those I am still learning how to love because I am human and flawed and slow and selfish: I’m sorry. For all of my other many flaws that affect and have harmed other people. I am sorry. Please know that Heavenly Father loves you. And even though I have messed up and hurt others, I know that He can take away their pain. I know He can because He takes mine. Every day He carries burdens for me that I would crumble underneath if I had to trudge on alone in this increasingly threatening world.

I am often accused of not seeing evil. Or of not seeing things in the world. I am often told that I need to calm down, that the gospel is too much a part of me. That I live in the world and I need to try harder to be a part of it, to please the people around me.

I will do no such thing. Jesus Christ gave everything for me to be happy. He stood up and said that He would Atone for us. He made it possible for us to come here. He came here and lived in the world and was persecuted beyond my mortal comprehension. The world hated Him so much that they crucified Him. They crucified the Son of God. He let them. He let them so that I could live in the world free from the depth of pain that He experienced.

Jesus Christ gave His life for me, and I will give mine for Him.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

So he sent his Son...

Something I have learned about life:

Nobody knows what they're doing.

Life is not about knowing, it's about doing. And even more than that, it's about being.

Commandments are such a blessing. They lead us to the greatest happiness attainable.
The gospel is so simple. It's like a color-by-number. We are given all the tools/colors we need and the instructions are clear. All we have to do is color each number the right color, even if it looks awkward or ugly to us when we see it in pieces. God can see the big picture and knows what color each section needs to be to make it the most pleasing and beautiful.

It's not about knowing what we're doing, or being able to comprehend everything that's going on. It's about trusting the Savior enough to not dwell on the things that have hurt us, but to be so caught up in the gratitude of what is going on right now around us that all we see is a future filled with hope and joy.

It's not about how hard or difficult it is, although the trials come to all of us, it's about rising above them and letting those trials make us better step by refining step.

Sometimes we jump in the ocean thinking that we know how to swim and God will keep the sharks away from us. But then we get tired and the sharks are nipping at our ankles and we forget why we jumped in the first place.

But all that matters is Him. All that matters is getting back to Him. All that matters is kicking as long and as hard as I can to show Him that I am thankful for what He did for me, to show Him that I am willing to do my part, feeble and meager as it may be.

And when I think of that day when He will be waiting there for me with outstretched, open arms... I know that everything I have suffered and will suffer in this life is worth it, worth it because He suffered, because He loves me. Because He paid the true price to make it worth it.

Because He loves me.

You are my sunset.
Daily surrounded by it's warmth
but never able to ignore
the growing anticipation
of the darkness of the night.

You are my sunrise
Rays of unwelcome sunlight
sneak through the curtains of my heart
to blind me every instant
with unfaltering sensation.

Every beam of you
breaks through stormy clouds
While the sweltering heat of you
scorches my heart as it melts...

And I am left there, glistening as my sun sets.

"I do not know why a man should be ashamed of knowing the truth because somebody else does not know it." George Albert Smith

Sometimes I get in trouble for having a "big mouth". And what I mean by big mouth is that I open it and words come out before I take the time to think through what I am saying and make sure that it is not offensive in the slightest to anyone in the room.

I really admire people who are skilled at thinking before they speak. Those people that don't say much, but when they do it's always worth listening to. Those people are my heroes.

I am not one of those people. I am the person that says what everyone else is thinking but nobody else is dumb enough to say. Today my dad said I'm Luna Lovegood.

Thanks, Dad.


Here's the thing - I can't figure out why everyone seems to be afraid of the truth. Truth is well.. truth. And nothing to be ashamed of. Even if the truth is that you are terrible at bowling, or you get scared when the lights go out at the movie theater, or sometimes you cry, or you try really hard to be different and sometimes it comes across as tacky, or you feel crappy because life never seems to go your way, or you hurt because somebody cheated on you. I don't care what the truth about you is, I'll love you anyway. I would just much rather know the truth about you than have you put on some show and try to make me believe that you are something that you're not.

And that goes both ways. I'd rather people know the ugly truth about me and love me for who I am than have to waste all kinds of energy portraying what I think people want me to be just to have them appreciate me for something that I'm not. Wow, that was a sentence. But really. I'd rather be disliked for something that I am than something that I'm not.

Problem is, not everybody seems to feel the way that I do about this. Which means that I need to be respectful of other people's wishes and personalities and comfort zones and try not to have such a big mouth all the time. And try not to force the ugly truth on everyone all the time. Some people would rather gloss over it. And that's just easier for them. I can respect that.

But then why am I the one that gets accused of living in a fantasty land of faith?


Faith is truth. Faith is REAL power. That's no fantasy. The illusions we create every day by not being true to ourselves and subsequently to each other are exactly why we need faith. We need faith in the Holy Spirit and in the Savior to bring us clarity of mind so that we can see life as it is, instead of waltzing through life by mere "seeming." Because like Marie K. Hafen said "Mere seeming thwarts our develoment." That's a much better speech than the one I'm rambling off. If you want you can read it here:
http://www2.byui.edu/Presentations/transcripts/devotionals/2000_10_03_hafen.htm


Anywho. Sorry for the lack of eloquence in the post relative to previous posts. But not really that sorry. Because we all know I write this blog selfishly and not for a real audience anyway.

The end.

Adventure

Experience has a way of opening your mind, and you feel smarter for a brief moment. But really what happened is the world just got bigger, so in reality you are even smaller than you were before.

But you still are.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

...there is too much to say and too little.

I feel like my family is walking through hell this year.
And you know what I think of it? I think.. Shoot. That's what I get for praying for things to bring us closer together. Because even though we seem to be walking through the valley of Death, we are walking through it together, helping each other up along the way as each of us stumbles in turn. And it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And that, my friends, is how love conquers all.
Even the most ugly of distortions and trials become beautiful when we all survive together.

http://youtu.be/i6N0sNMKFO4
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