Monday, June 30, 2008

I actually suck at blogging.

So I'm not sure why I'm doing this. Except that I'm lonely and scared of being depressed and don't feel like doing anything except sitting down at a computer and typing to an unseen someone. Which is slightly pathetic. Sigh.
So there are lot of reasons why I might be depressed right now, or becoming so. And I'm hoping that listing them may help prevent full blown depression. Might as well know, I'm a compulsive list-maker.

1. There's this boy. Aaron. When things aren't right with him.. seems like there's always something missing. End of story.

2. I don't like anybody right now. Well I mean I care about people and all. But I don't like any boys romantically right now because well, I can't. I mean I can. But it's not like anything will ever happen. And I think it's about time I got used to that. Instead of screwing up everybody's feelings. I've been acting very selfish. It's about time I stopped. You see I went to girl's camp, and I'm going to have to make some big changes. Because I've been doing things wrong, and talking myself out of it, for quite some time now. Not completely wrong, just not completely right either. I like to blame it on my parents when it comes down to it. But secretly I know that it's really my fault and my fault alone. I will remain free by choosing good over evil and taking accountability for my choices.

3. Alex disappointed me. And now I have to disappoint him. Again. Which just sucks overall.

4. Danica and I are not perfectly peachy right now. And that can always be stressful. I wanted to talk with her tonight at the park, but el madre wouldn't allow it tonight. Darn. Maybe we'll go swimming tomorrow.

5. My room is messy. That's it.

6. Mom is stressed. Even though she's stressed out all the time, it's one of her majorly stressed all the time phases. And it affects dad. Which makes it about twenty-four times worse.

7. Istanbul was Constantinople. But now it's Istanbul not Constantinople.

8. I haven't written in my journal whole-heartedly since Thursday. This is obviously a huge issue. Earth to me..

So I guess I always end up making stupid lists like this and then when I look back over them I'm like gee, I'm an idiot, that was obvious to the tenth power.

You know, it's kinda stupid for a boy to be a jerk just because he's trying to get over you. It really hurts my feelings. Now I know how much I really mean to him you know? I gave him my whole heart and soul by sharing all the poems I wrote about him with him. And he thought they were really good. But he doesn't really care. Because he's only looking for one thing. And I can't give it to him. It's all about him. He doesn't really care how I feel. I don't even know why I try with him anymore. If it wasn't for his mother... I would have stopped everything with him a million years ago. Actually if it wasn't for his mother, nothing would have ever started! Take that stinkhead. Sometimes I wonder if he really even cares about his mother anymore though. Sometimes I wonder if he's just started focusing so much on finding someone to replace her, that he's lost sight of everything that's important. Sometimes I wonder if that's my fault, because I took some of the special things he had with her, and made them special things he had with me, because he shared with me. I didn't want to do that.

I'm so sick of being everyone's hero. I'm so tired of caring for everyone else, and not having anyone to care about me. Except for dear old dad of course. But I need a hero. I have Alex. But getting all stupid and relationshippy ruins everything. I should have learned my lesson about that by now. At least I have Alex. I need to not go on about how I don't have anyone who cares about me. What a stupid subject. Of course people care about me. I just don't care about myself enough to actually use people. What am I trying to say? I'm trying to say that maybe I care about people too much to really vent to them. Maybe I don't want people to worry about me, because it's my job to worry about them. Maybe I'm just like Jaron, at least the old Jaron. And maybe, just maybe, I really really really need the old Jaron back.

I can't believe this. I guess I probably am going into another depression phase. I never get depressed about Jaron anymore. But here I am.. Wishing he was still here. You know I would like to blame him for being the reason that I can't trust people to worry about me anymore. I'm not sure it's justifiable, but I would like to.

Jaron Paul Vansambeek.
Want to explain something to me? Put my heart at ease?

Any explanation. Anything at all. I just miss you so much. I wish you knew. I wish you knew how much I miss you. And how horribly you hurt me. And how much you meant to me. And mean to me. But chances are, you never will. And chances are, I'll never get over it. Friendships hurt so much more.

Well this is turning into quite the little sermon for myself. I guess I should do this more often. Even if it makes me think about things I never want to think about anymore. I doubt anyone will read this. It's probably way too depressing. Maybe one day I'll have something worth reading. But this venting shiz surely isn't it. I'm sorry if you wasted your time on it.