Wednesday, December 12, 2012


This is it:

There is right. And there is wrong.

There are so many battles raging all over the world about what is right and what is wrong. We all point fingers and we all think we know what’s best for everyone else. We all get offended and we all offend others. The new trend is such that we define for ourselves what is morally right and wrong. What’s right for you may not be right for another person, supposedly.

Amid all the debates in the media, in the news, in politics, in different cultures, in daily life that are spat about and tossed around each and every day, I wish to proclaim just one thing:

Jesus Christ is the Savior. He came, He lived, He suffered, He died. He did it because He loves us.

That’s it. That’s all that matters. That’s my whole life. I am nothing without Him. I am worthless without His Atonement. Worthless because without it I would never be perfect enough to live up to my full potential. I am horribly imperfect. I do so many things wrong. I say the wrong things. I offend people. I don’t show people I love them enough. Sometimes I simply don’t love people enough. I judge, I sin. I would not be happy, I would be miserable without Him. HE IS MY EVERYTHING. I owe everything to Him.

To all the people that I love so very much but don’t show it enough: I’m sorry. To all those I am still learning how to love because I am human and flawed and slow and selfish: I’m sorry. For all of my other many flaws that affect and have harmed other people. I am sorry. Please know that Heavenly Father loves you. And even though I have messed up and hurt others, I know that He can take away their pain. I know He can because He takes mine. Every day He carries burdens for me that I would crumble underneath if I had to trudge on alone in this increasingly threatening world.

I am often accused of not seeing evil. Or of not seeing things in the world. I am often told that I need to calm down, that the gospel is too much a part of me. That I live in the world and I need to try harder to be a part of it, to please the people around me.

I will do no such thing. Jesus Christ gave everything for me to be happy. He stood up and said that He would Atone for us. He made it possible for us to come here. He came here and lived in the world and was persecuted beyond my mortal comprehension. The world hated Him so much that they crucified Him. They crucified the Son of God. He let them. He let them so that I could live in the world free from the depth of pain that He experienced.

Jesus Christ gave His life for me, and I will give mine for Him.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

So he sent his Son...

Something I have learned about life:

Nobody knows what they're doing.

Life is not about knowing, it's about doing. And even more than that, it's about being.

Commandments are such a blessing. They lead us to the greatest happiness attainable.
The gospel is so simple. It's like a color-by-number. We are given all the tools/colors we need and the instructions are clear. All we have to do is color each number the right color, even if it looks awkward or ugly to us when we see it in pieces. God can see the big picture and knows what color each section needs to be to make it the most pleasing and beautiful.

It's not about knowing what we're doing, or being able to comprehend everything that's going on. It's about trusting the Savior enough to not dwell on the things that have hurt us, but to be so caught up in the gratitude of what is going on right now around us that all we see is a future filled with hope and joy.

It's not about how hard or difficult it is, although the trials come to all of us, it's about rising above them and letting those trials make us better step by refining step.

Sometimes we jump in the ocean thinking that we know how to swim and God will keep the sharks away from us. But then we get tired and the sharks are nipping at our ankles and we forget why we jumped in the first place.

But all that matters is Him. All that matters is getting back to Him. All that matters is kicking as long and as hard as I can to show Him that I am thankful for what He did for me, to show Him that I am willing to do my part, feeble and meager as it may be.

And when I think of that day when He will be waiting there for me with outstretched, open arms... I know that everything I have suffered and will suffer in this life is worth it, worth it because He suffered, because He loves me. Because He paid the true price to make it worth it.

Because He loves me.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

You are my sunset.
Daily surrounded by it's warmth
but never able to ignore
the growing anticipation
of the darkness of the night.

You are my sunrise
Rays of unwelcome sunlight
sneak through the curtains of my heart
to blind me every instant
with unfaltering sensation.

Every beam of you
breaks through stormy clouds
While the sweltering heat of you
scorches my heart as it melts...

And I am left there, glistening as my sun sets.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

"I do not know why a man should be ashamed of knowing the truth because somebody else does not know it." George Albert Smith

Sometimes I get in trouble for having a "big mouth". And what I mean by big mouth is that I open it and words come out before I take the time to think through what I am saying and make sure that it is not offensive in the slightest to anyone in the room.

I really admire people who are skilled at thinking before they speak. Those people that don't say much, but when they do it's always worth listening to. Those people are my heroes.

I am not one of those people. I am the person that says what everyone else is thinking but nobody else is dumb enough to say. Today my dad said I'm Luna Lovegood.

Thanks, Dad.

Here's the thing - I can't figure out why everyone seems to be afraid of the truth. Truth is well.. truth. And nothing to be ashamed of. Even if the truth is that you are terrible at bowling, or you get scared when the lights go out at the movie theater, or sometimes you cry, or you try really hard to be different and sometimes it comes across as tacky, or you feel crappy because life never seems to go your way, or you hurt because somebody cheated on you. I don't care what the truth about you is, I'll love you anyway. I would just much rather know the truth about you than have you put on some show and try to make me believe that you are something that you're not.

And that goes both ways. I'd rather people know the ugly truth about me and love me for who I am than have to waste all kinds of energy portraying what I think people want me to be just to have them appreciate me for something that I'm not. Wow, that was a sentence. But really. I'd rather be disliked for something that I am than something that I'm not.

Problem is, not everybody seems to feel the way that I do about this. Which means that I need to be respectful of other people's wishes and personalities and comfort zones and try not to have such a big mouth all the time. And try not to force the ugly truth on everyone all the time. Some people would rather gloss over it. And that's just easier for them. I can respect that.

But then why am I the one that gets accused of living in a fantasty land of faith?

Faith is truth. Faith is REAL power. That's no fantasy. The illusions we create every day by not being true to ourselves and subsequently to each other are exactly why we need faith. We need faith in the Holy Spirit and in the Savior to bring us clarity of mind so that we can see life as it is, instead of waltzing through life by mere "seeming." Because like Marie K. Hafen said "Mere seeming thwarts our develoment." That's a much better speech than the one I'm rambling off. If you want you can read it here:

Anywho. Sorry for the lack of eloquence in the post relative to previous posts. But not really that sorry. Because we all know I write this blog selfishly and not for a real audience anyway.

The end.

Monday, July 2, 2012


Experience has a way of opening your mind, and you feel smarter for a brief moment. But really what happened is the world just got bigger, so in reality you are even smaller than you were before.

But you still are.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

...there is too much to say and too little.

I feel like my family is walking through hell this year.
And you know what I think of it? I think.. Shoot. That's what I get for praying for things to bring us closer together. Because even though we seem to be walking through the valley of Death, we are walking through it together, helping each other up along the way as each of us stumbles in turn. And it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And that, my friends, is how love conquers all.
Even the most ugly of distortions and trials become beautiful when we all survive together.

Monday, April 23, 2012


So.... a certain dear friend of mind said something to me the other day that was something like this:

"More than anything, I hope that I am coming across as the person I want to be."

Well, I thought that was interesting. Until he said that, I had never realized the disconnect between what goes on inside of us and what goes on outside of us so clearly. I would like to submit that perhaps what we are trying to portray sometimes gets in the way of what we are trying to become.

But, of course, there is more to it than that.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

For anyone who is wondering....

Excerpt from a recent journal entry...

"The next day was Sunday. I went to church and enjoyed it thoroughly. It was a beautiful day. I thought about my wonderful fiance all morning and ways to make this work and things I'm grateful for and love about him. I forgot to mention we were both fasting about changing the date of the wedding.

I had a text from him after church, asking when he could come over. He came over. He was stiff as a board, but I tried to be loving. We went for a walk.

He ended it.
Not just the engagement. Everything.

I wouldn't have it. I told him I loved him, I'd wait for him if he'd let me, if he really wanted to be with me, I'd wait. He said he'd let me, but he didn't want me to.

I made him stay until my best friend showed up."

March 30th 2012 Friday
"2012 has truthfully been a doozy of a year.
And it's only March!
Well, this week was one of the longest of my life. And I need to write about it but it's so hard to find the words... It would be easier just to say that things happened that are too wondrous to be written. And I don't mean that as a cop-out, but a true depiction of how I feel.

But I should at least try. Monday was tough. Him and the whole situation was all I could think about. I tried to throw myself into school and work, but it was still the only thing on my mind. My sister kidnapped me and took me out to Village Inn after work. I appreciated the escape. When I got home I texted him that I love him and was thinking about him and believe in him. Then I stayed up way too late goofing off with my brother and bestfriend. He didn't respond until the next evening. I was struggling through work again, thinking only of him. I'm halfway through leaving a message and I get a text from him. Pretty sure my heart stopped or something. He thanked me for my concern and he said he believes he'll get his life "back in balance," whatever that means. Typical vague text from him, could be taken any way I choose. Anyway, I took my break and called my bestfriend. But she didn't seem too eager to talk. So I ran out to my car, climbed inside, and talked to God. Granted, I'd been praying constantly since it happened. I mean, that's all I ever do anyway. But I sat in my car and I rested my head on the wheel and I conversed with my Father in Heaven. And I pleaded with Him. I plead for mercy and forgiveness and peace. For myself and for him. I begged Him to please help me to just enjoy my job and be able to live my life and do the things I love without this hanging over my head. I think my final exasperated phrase was
"I just want to help people!"
And I went back to work.

And I've felt great since. And I mean that.

It's the most mysterious and wonderful sensation... The Savior's Atonement truly does swallow up all pain and disappointment. I've been so focused on the Savior that the hurt has very little room to force its way in. But I have to say that not even that is an adequate depiction. Because I can promise that the hurt does exist, and it's right there inside of me, completely vulnerable to the influences of this world, not locked away in a vault of denial at all. And yet... There stands my Savior, carrying all the worst of it for me, and allowing me to enjoy the things in my life that are still intact, that are so wonderful, that are worth more than any remedy the world has to offer.

Sigh.... It's really so impossible to express. Words are completely inadequate in spiritual matters.

Friends surround me and my family needs me. School is wonderful in all the ways that it's supposed to be. I not only have a job, but one that I enjoy, that pays well considering. I enjoy working hard in all I do and


That's really the most eloquent way I can state it and it's still so simple."

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I evaporated, see?

I filled you up with liquid me,
but you weren't ready to expand.
Consequently, you overflowed,
timid drops hit the sand,
evaporated, leaving me
with less me than when I began.

Saturday, March 24, 2012


You were the one who
named it, this feeling. This feeling that I couldn’t let go of and now I never
will. This feeling, we created it. The two of us, together, combined, we are
this feeling. We live in it. And it consumes us and motivates and terrifies us
because it defines “us”.

But how beautiful is
anticipation? How beautiful, to look at a future full of hope and confidence
and trust, brought forth through consistent and sincere hard work.

How can we deny such
a powerful passion? How can we expect to survive without it? How can we even
begin to comprehend a life without the glorious anticipation that belongs to
the two of us, and only us?

Sunday, March 11, 2012

There are stars.

There are stars in my heart
twinkling, there,
behind the scars.
Stars that shatter waves
of doubt, they are there,
I feel them
now, I feel them whisper
silent songs,
they ache, they long

Believe me, there are stars,
hidden there behind the scars,
shining light straight
through my soul
Fleeting, flitting,
never whole
There are stars,
they burn, they spark
in my heart, it's never dark

Dear, there are stars
because of you
and all the sparkling
things you do
I fear no pinch, no pang, no pain,
because you will make
me whole again

There are stars, and
they are real
Like simmering, simple spots
that heal
These stars, they come
from you, my dear
And always I will hold them
Stars tend to make
forever clear

Friday, February 24, 2012

Men are that they might have joy.

You can have a good time. Of course you can! We want you to have fun. We want you to enjoy life. We do not want you to be prudes. We want you to be robust and cheerful, to sing and dance, to laugh and be happy. -Gordon B. Hinckley

Some happy places:

- Snuggling and watching sports.

- Eating ice cream and studying the gospel.

- Sitting on my daddy's bed chatting for hours.

- Laying on the floor in crazy positions writing in twelve different notebooks.

- Sitting quietly on the couch watching my family interact.

- Accompanying.

- Playing the piano in an empty house.

- Singing my heart out in the car.


Monday, February 20, 2012

Sometimes I like to just sit and be close to God.

As I bundle myself in tight, yet elusive memories
the snow falls timorously toward the unwelcoming, cold ground.

As I turn my face to the light
the speckles of winter carress my longing face

A warm chill strikes through my overflowing heart.

Still the snow falls
and still God loves
and still winter speckles gracefully tingle through my visage,
melting right into my soul.

Sunday, January 29, 2012


I am the person that cheerily gets swept along and falls between the cracks in the lives of others. I am the dust that settles in to make you comfortable, only to later be blown away by a practically accidental gust of irritation.

I'm grateful for those who have the patience and magnanimous amount of love it takes to let my flimsy particles rest upon them when I am left muddled in a mud of my own making.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Priesthood Dews

There are a lot of things to write about. There are so many ways to think. And so many ways to express ourselves. There are so many emotions to feel, and so many things to experience.

And out of all the so-manys there is this one decision. One little choice, that determines the outcome of the rest of my existence. Not just in this life, but the next. There's no going back, no changing my mind.

Bring it on.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Every step hurts.

Never have I been so abased. Never have I had to sit in a puddle of my own pride and foolishness, and watch the people around me love me in spite of myself. So much so as to take my hand and lead me away from my degraded state, toward hope.

It was at that moment that my Savior's incredible love sunk deep into my aching, cracking heart. And though I had been wicked, I was never worthless. Though I was helpless, I was never hopeless. Though I was humiliated, I was indeed humbled.

As the Savior wraps his loving arms around my throbbing, tender heart, I resolve to spend the remainder of my life in His service, as a pitiful attempt to make up for the damage I have caused.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Emotionally Opposite

Perhaps it's not so much that I feel too much, but simply that the timing of my emotions is completely off. I have a tendency to laugh at the all the wrong moments, cry only when it's embarrassing to do so, feel sad when I have no reason to be and elated when I should be miserable.
Am I ashamed of my antics? Not at all, though I have a tendency to feel attacked when people accuse me of intentional emotional dyslexia.

I am not emotionally upside down on purpose. Emotionally, I am not ANYthing on purpose. I have observed people try to be different just for the sake of being different. Recently, I have discovered that I have no similar inclination. It doesn't bother me to be the same as the majority, as long as I am genuinely myself. Feeling that way makes me different.

But not on purpose.

All I'm trying to say here is that we are all different. Yes, we are all special and unique, Brogan. But the only way we can accomplish a sincere feeling of peculiarity is to

just be.

We're all trying so hard to become something. The only thing I want to become is a more Christlike version of myself.

Thanks for listening.