Hey guys, I'm back.
No, truthfully. I feel like I was dead for awhile. Life in 2012 was like a tsunamic wave that crept up from behind and crashed down on my family all at once. And as we stand here all huddled together, soaked to the bone and just a little bit shaky from the mere shock of it all, we watch as the water settles down to the usual back and forth of the waves along the shore.
I've obviously been living by the beach for too long.
There was a period of time where I used this phrase quite often to motivate myself:
"Don't let the hurt turn you into something you're not."
The sentiment is well-intentioned and inspired me through difficult times. However, I have come to realize that there is a step up from this way of thinking.
We ought to have trials, yes ought. We ought to be learning and becoming something, you see, a life fully lived is a life of consistently becoming. What we become well, that is called agency.
Something I said often this past semester was that I felt like I was going through a sort of ongoing transformation process. It was intensely painful and not exactly pretty. The grotesque distortions of my character are not something that the people close to me enjoyed, nor are they something I am proud of. I tried so hard to embrace the pain of concentrated transformation, but pain is never easy to endure. Thankfully, the Lord took care of the hardest parts of it for me already, and was there to hold my hand along the way. He never left me alone, even when the people around me were apt (and probably wise, haha) to do so.
I came to learn that transformation, or becoming, is not always a beautiful, magical process. Transforming into an enriched and enhanced creature is a process full of daily difficulties.
But this burning... I am left with this burning in my heart. Yes, I would call it a burning. It is less than a complete conversion (because I am not perfect just yet), but more than the simpleness a feeling. This is a burning that I have sorely missed. This most recent emotion is nothing less than the warmth of the Savior as He takes my broken, tender heart in His hands and tenderly stitches up the healing wounds. His graceful hands and astounding love smooth out wrinkles and sore spots and my soul is encompassed with a warm gratitude.
This gratitude seeps into daily activities as I strive each day to represent and honor Him. And even now I am humbled yet again as I realize that all this time I thought I was being prepared for these experiences, but now I know that these experiences are preparing me for even greater things ahead.
And so the cycle continues, the cycle of becoming. But what we become, that is called agency.