Saturday, November 1, 2008

The upward curve in the horizon

Editor's note: HTML on Blogger is queer.

Finally October is over.

October is a cursed month for my family, cursed in a beautiful kind of way, but none the less, cursed. I sure got sick a lot this month. Which makes life seem so much harder. With the end of term and everything.. November feels like a fresh start. I love new beginnings.

My life is a collage of lines from songs and quotes that hit me really hard. I love it when someone else can get what I'm feeling into words so that I don't have to. One that I think describes me right now really well is:
"What a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses."

That's kind of my life kind of. It's how I feel a lot anyway. Because my life is beautiful, but it sure gets messy sometimes. One day someone will understand how I'm not sad just cloudy, and not confused just cluttered. One day people will get it how you can just be close to your Savior and have His peace with you. And when you have that kind of peace, and that kind of comfort.. You're not always happy, no one is always happy. But. You're not sad even when you're sad. You're not angry, even when you're angry. And when you're happy... It's more than happy. It's more than joy. You have to experience it to believe it, but it's real.

And the good news is you don't even have to do anything hard to have Him with you. All you have to do is live your life in such a way that shows that you want Him there. And He'll be there. He wants to be.

I used to say the gospel is hard. I used to say it's a tough church. I said it in my testimony once and the stake president commented on it and boy did I feel special for saying something so smart. And then this past general conference someone said "The gospel is not hard, life is hard." It's taken me a little while to realize it. But that is more true than anything else. When the Lord's Spirit is with you, life seems easy even when it's not.

And people say I contradict myself... I can't imagine why. But I like to think that that is where the heart of my contradictions lies. In the Lord's peace. Because my testimony has no doubts, no fears, not a care beyond doing what He wants me to do. The temptations of the world are what cause the contradictions. So contradict that.