Thursday, August 5, 2010

I have two unfinished drafts and I'm starting another one..

The other day I was reading through some of my old posts and I remembered just exactly how this silly blog started.

Once upon a time, I was really upset, had no one to talk to, and didn't feel like writing in my journal. So I went to my computer, and rambled through typing. It worked. It was a good outlet. And no one read it. So it was fine. Just fine.

Then one day, a few months later, I was reading the Ensign and it was a special issue about using technology for good. That's when I decided to use the blog to bare my testimony whenever I felt like it. But then it kind of turned into this thing where I felt obligated to preach and have a great message and make myself sound great and smart through my writing.

Well, I'm taking a page out of the old manual. I DO have two unfinished drafts, and they are GREAT ideas that I want to share with the world, eventually. But I have come to the sincere conclusion that I don't have to write a sermon every time I post. Sometimes I just want to sit and let my feelings explode through typage. Sometimes I need that..

So.. What's been on my mind lately? Let's explore my feelings....

As far back as I can remember, my family has been going to eat at TGI Friday's on Foothill Boulevard. My brother worked his butt off and earned the noble title of general manager. We'd go there with family, and I'd take my friends there. My brother would get me good deals and special treatment for girl's choice dances. Heck, I even had my birthday party there once.

Anyway, the point I'm getting to here is that last Saturday was the last time I'll ever have dinner at Friday's on Foothill. The restaurant is gone. Now I will elaborate on why this is significant.

Sugarhouse is more than just a place where I spent the first eleven years of my life. And it's more than just my hometown, or "where I grew up." I didn't realize this until recently, but it means a lot more to me than that. Sugarhouse represents life before things got hard. Life before I was left on my own, and had to learn how to take care of myself. Life before Conrad died, and Dad got sick.

Let's face it, most of the time I pretend like I don't remember "life before." And that works just fine, most of the time. But when I'm honest with myself, I remember plenty. I remember being a kid, and being carefree. And I remember Mom and Dad arguing with each other and with older brothers. I remember being scared of them. I say it was because I was shy. Sure I was shy, but I was also terrified of their anger.

I remember what it felt like the night Conrad died. I don't know if anyone else does, they don't talk about it. But I remember. I remember the blank faces awith wet eyes looking down at me telling me lies. Telling me everything was okay, when they knew it wasn't. Telling me it would be okay, when they weren't sure.

I remember moving. I remember being torn to pieces because I promised my friend I would say goodbye. And I never got the chance.

I remember plenty. I remember singing on the front porch. It was my favorite stage. I remember hair clips being turned into hair monsters. And bike tires being turned into ice cream makers. I remember 4th of July parades. And trips to Video Verns to get Smurfs movies. I remember singing to the Beatles while we drank refills from Rainbow Mart. I remember falling on top of Mark Macey one day while playing "Girls chase Boys" and getting my boot stuck in the huge snow mountain in the stake center parking lot on the way home from school one day, because Tyrel was dawdling as usual. I remember drawing pictures with Paige, and eating dinner with Sara. Walking to piano lessons, coloring at Ann's house, Shelby's weird mom always favoring the girls. Burping contests and tree climbing and ant hunting and..

The point is.. I remember plenty.

And it's gone now. Dilworth-where David and I played boogie monster-is gone, the chapel-where Conrad's and Bud's funerals were held-is gone, the farvorite climbing tree-where Tyrel and I conquered the world-is gone, the Rainbow Mart is a laundromat, Video Verns is.. who knows what. The dentist remodeled and the horses and video games that we always fought over are gone. Even the Redman buliding was redone..
And now Friday's. It's gone.

Childhood. It's gone.
Grow up Tori.