Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Emotions Unplugged

As courageous as I deem myself to be
your arms drown me in undeniable peace
A peace that I crave every second
of every year and when I’m not within it
I swoon with the uncertainty
Oblivious to what this could be
I skip lightly through the flowered days trying not
to sink too deep into the sweet smelling soil
of your still meadows
But if I did, I know you’d be there waiting
to envelope me in your unfathomable calm
In the deep brown light that hides
under your perpetual eyelashes
I set myself aglow
And even now, as my pen glides across
this yellowed sheet of paper
There is unshakable fear settling in my heart
beside ancient, bottomless stores of hope
They swirl together to create
the mist that sparkles in my eyes
when I look up and see through
your transparent manifestation
I trust that some omnipotent Creator
placed me here in your arms to
blanket me in peace
despite my failed courage

I wrote that over the weekend. About a boy that I guess is pretty special to me right now.
The last few months have been kind of a whirlwind of awesomeness. My first semester of college is wrapping up in the next few weeks.
College? I started this blog when I was a sophomore in high school. I finally understand what people mean when they say that the things you go through in junior high and high school aren't as important as you think they are. But there's no way for anyone to possibly understand that until they've lived through it.

Despite the fact that passionful crushes fade and friendships become long distance, the things we experience as adolescents really are important. Maybe I won't marry my high school sweetheart, but my experiences with him and everyone and everything else made me who I am today. Now I understand what people mean when they say that teenagers are living in their own reality, but that doesn't change the fact that it IS reality for them. I have always disliked how my age defines me.

I have so many dreams..
The literal, symbolic kind that scare me half to death because they are so full of meaning
and the figurative, hopeful wishing kind.

I think of all the things I could do if I really applied myself like the people in history that you hear stories about. The kind of people that start at the bottom but out-work everyone else until they get to the top. I'm the kind of person that floats around in the middle because I'm talented enough to get by, but not motivated enough to push myself to the top. That's a pretty picture.. Sigh. I've always been a floater.

Some examples of crazy dreams:

- American Sign Language Interpreting for General Conference
- Directing a high school or fireside choir
- Singing for an EFY CD or something of that nature

The problem with pursuing my dreams is that there are only two things I am truly passionate about, two things that I really sincerely ache for:

1. To serve and love every single human being that I ever come in contact with
2. Be the best full-time wife and mother that Tori Jensen can possibly be

That's all I really care about. Even the things I dream about and would love to do come in second to those two desires. Everything I do, everything I focus on goes back to those two things. And the gospel, but I figure that's just a given. I'm reminded of the talk "Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall" by Dallin H. Oaks. Check it out:
As I read through this, I was surprised to discover how many of his examples applied to me. I never thought that there would be a way to rely on the gospel TOO heavily. But lo and behold, when you put it that way..

I suppose that's why my personal spiritual theme for the semester seems to be learning how to rely on myself and my own power to make decisions and do what's right. For so long I have relied heavily on my testimony and being in tune with the spirit, which of course I still do. But Heavenly Father is making it clear to me that I have the knowledge and skills I need to make my own righteous decisions. I've been learning about Agency. It is more than just a gift He gave us to make us happy. Agency is the POWER to be like Him. Our Agency is what gives us the potential to be Godlike. No matter what conditions we are born with or born into, we have a choice to be happy or not. The Gospel trumps EVERYTHING. No matter what hand we are dealt in this life, we have the trump card, the Gospel, that wins every round. We came to this life to learn how to use the unfathomable power of Agency.

One more thing. This comes from a stupid 5-page paper I had to write for my Home and Family Management class, but I worked hard and believe this is well-constructed paragraph:

"Preparation and planning work harmoniously together when we use our planning resources to prepare, specifically prepare for the unexpected. By implementing future plans and utilizing schedules, we organize the resources and information that we already have so that we can exploit them to the optimum level when we collide with time in the present. We have all heard the John Lennon adage “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” Let us then make plans for life to happen, and avoid the intense friction that occurs when what we thought should happen does not coincide with what in reality does happen."

On that note, just a reminder that "whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." And if we are righteously striving daily to reach our potential by being anxiously engaged and consistently repenting, then we have no need to fear. Just keep loving.