Lately...

Can I miss you any more than this?
Is there any more of you to miss?
Do I ever cross your mind?
In deep recesses do you find
a never ending, constant bliss
for something you don't miss?

Can I praise you tenderly
without you thinking more of me?
You mistake sincerity
for something with less clarity.
How refreshing will it be
for you to sigh and think of me?

Are you blind to higher laws?
Will we ever love with flaws?
Can you and I find peace divine
if only one us will shine?
Forever searching for the cause
of what we have, that redeems flaws.

"Love," I whisper, you don't hear
though I'll forever hold you dear.
And in my heart, as time rolls by,
there is a place to think and sigh
and feelings bloom throughout the years
for I'll forever love you, dear.

Living with parents

The time has come.
This is it.
The end of an era.
The beginning of...
Responsibility?

The sixth and final brother is gone. Leaving me with.. myself. In a week he will take an airplane allll the way to... Arizona... Where I will faithfully write him uplifting letters each and every week.

And me? I'll go through his stuff and put his junk to good use. His clothes, his MP3 player, his Gameboy, his room. It will miss him, but not as much as I will. I'll think about him every now and then. But mostly I just stay occupado and pretend he'll be coming home late tonight. Denial? Nah.. More like when a child clings to a blanket when his mother leaves. More like comfort food. Less like denial, more like that.

And you know what the neatest thing is? A week and a half later I'll get the opportunity to go to the baptism of my very dear friends. And as I sit on the pew surrounded by friends with enormous hearts and strong testimonies, I get to look up at the stand and see the four handsome missionaries sitting there and I get to say "My brother's doing that." And I get to see, with my very own heart, the great work he has set out to do. The life-changing message he gets to share. And I get to feel in my very own soul, the greatest Spirit of acceptance. And my very own love.

I know that my Redeemer lives.

As Christmas draws nearer, I feel like I'm moving backwards in time, backwards to turkey sandwiches and candied yams. Back to Thanksgiving and an everlasting warmth of gratitude. An attitude that has so fully enveloped my heart that it has changed my life and strenghthened my soul. Not to mention the burning testimony within that soul.

Merry Christmas.

The upward curve in the horizon

Editor's note: HTML on Blogger is queer.

Finally October is over.

October is a cursed month for my family, cursed in a beautiful kind of way, but none the less, cursed. I sure got sick a lot this month. Which makes life seem so much harder. With the end of term and everything.. November feels like a fresh start. I love new beginnings.

My life is a collage of lines from songs and quotes that hit me really hard. I love it when someone else can get what I'm feeling into words so that I don't have to. One that I think describes me right now really well is:

"What a beautiful mess this is

it's like picking up trash in dresses."

That's kind of my life kind of. It's how I feel a lot anyway. Because my life is beautiful, but it sure gets messy sometimes. One day someone will understand how I'm not sad just cloudy, and not confused just cluttered. One day people will get it how you can just be close to your Savior and have His peace with you. And when you have that kind of peace, and that kind of comfort.. You're not always happy, no one is always happy. But. You're not sad even when you're sad. You're not angry, even when you're angry. And when you're happy... It's more than happy. It's more than joy. You have to experience it to believe it, but it's real.

And the good news is you don't even have to do anything hard to have Him with you. All you have to do is live your life in such a way that shows that you want Him there. And He'll be there. He wants to be.

I used to say the gospel is hard. I used to say it's a tough church. I said it in my testimony once and the stake president commented on it and boy did I feel special for saying something so smart. And then this past general conference someone said "The gospel is not hard, life is hard." It's taken me a little while to realize it. But that is more true than anything else. When the Lord's Spirit is with you, life seems easy even when it's not.

And people say I contradict myself... I can't imagine why. But I like to think that that is where the heart of my contradictions lies. In the Lord's peace. Because my testimony has no doubts, no fears, not a care beyond doing what He wants me to do. The temptations of the world are what cause the contradictions. So contradict that.

The saga continues...

Life flies by at a frightening pace doesn't it? Hardly gives you time to breath really. Sometimes I feel drowned and suffocated by everything. Other times I feel surrounded and comforted by the same things.
Could I possibly be growing up? If this is what growing up feels like, I'm not certain I want to be growing anywhere. Sometimes I wish there was a pause button. Just so I could take a step back, take a deep breath, and take a look at it all as a whole. It gets a little jumbled together and that's where the so-called "confusion" begins.
It all comes down to the simple things doesn't it? That's what it always comes down to. Maybe Dad's right about priorities. Maybe that could be one of the keys to the whole operation. Maybe priorities open just one more door on this journey.
Maybe I speak in a lot of metaphors lately that don't make sense to anything.
Back to simple things. You figure those things out and everything falls into place. You prioritize and figure out what really matters, and everything just happens to work out.
I think life really works well that way..
Hm...
So confusion.. comes from.. making the simple things just a little blurred and cluttered. Get the simple things straightened out and put together, the BIG things, and the little things will fit right where they need to.
So basically.. I'm standing on the sky. But that's where I'm supposed to be. So the real question is, are they looking up or looking down?

One last thing.
I know exactly how I feel about you.
Exactly.
I just haven't figured out what comes next..
Have you?

When you do.. would you let me know?

You.
And you. And you.
Forget you.
No one needs you.
I need you.
I don't need you.
A different face,
different arms to hold me
that aren't yours.
I don't need you.
I need you.
I'm not sad, just a little cloudy.
I'm not confused, just a little cluttered.
Here it comes. Here I go
write my heart out
for you.
And you. And you.

So many people, so little Tori

Okay so it's been awhile. Like maybe a month? Almost?
Quite a bit has happened in that month, the month of August.
Things like EFY, and school starting. Exciting things like that.

I can't even begin to describe the miraculousness of it all. It needs a word of it's own. But how do you come up with a word to describe such intense joy? It's one of those things that simply cannot be expressed in words.
"There are times when explanations, no matter how reasonable, just don’t seem to help."
-Mr. (Fred) Rogers

This is one of those times.

I could explain to you how I feel about everything happening to me lately, or try to, (my lack of verbal skill would most definitely be a barrier) but it wouldn't help much. It's one of those things you won't ever understand until you experience it for yourself. There are many of those I've noticed.
The most prominent feeling throughout all of this, the one that sticks out to me the most, is how grateful I am. I think being grateful can lead to love, which in turns leads to joy. I am so grateful for every moment I am living. I am so grateful for all of the incredible people that I am surrounded by every day, including my family. I'm grateful for all the opportunities that I am blessed with. I am grateful that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and that I was raised in the most true church on this good earth. I'm grateful for all the material possessions that I am blessed with that I take for granted. And simply put, I'm grateful that I am me.

I've started reading my scriptures first thing after school for twenty minutes, with another ten minutes of gospel study on top of that. I think it's really changed life even more for me. Because this way I'm not too tired to read every night, it doesn't keep me up late at night, the time limit forces me to study and focus more, etc etc. Millions of reasons. Point is, it's wonderful. I also have seminary every morning. Which is a great blessing. I fully intend to keep actively pursuing the spirit every day of my life.

What I would love more than anything else right now is to make an extremely long list of all the millions of people on my mind. But I don't think that is really appropriate for this situation. People will think I'm creepy. So I'll just end it.

The end.

Here we go again

Okay people. To all of my avid readers, of which there are one, I'm too busy to blog every day of my life. So shut it.

"Sometimes you don't talk because you are inside yourself and outside things are a distraction you'd rather not endure. Maybe the world will go away, you hope."

My mom wrote that. I'm basically a miniature version of my mother. Isn't that great? It really is. I always thought I was more like my dad. But I'm noticing more and more that I am more like my mom. Isn't that great? It really is.

There is so much going through my mind right now that I can't even process it. That's kind of how it feels to be inside of yourself. You can't process anything the way you're supposed to. When this happens, I tend to make lists. Yay.

1. Max Worsham. Nuff said.
2. Alex Hughes. Nothing to say.
3. "See you in the next life" +plus+ "Is it the next life already??" =equals= The extent of Tori's cleverness.
4. Are you Mormon? Do you like to read?
5. Some 13-year-olds are just born with amazing eyes.
6. Don't invite people to mutual unless you really want them there. On the other hand, just invite people to mutual. It's good for you. And them.
7. Mr. Revelli is not a seminary teacher. Get over it.
8. Your pet bathroom will never smell like vanilla goodness!
9. I don't want to live by myself with old people. Graduation's going to suck!
10. "I heard you wanted to be accompanist." "Oh I did. Now I don't."
11. Some 17-year-old girls are just born high maintenance flirts.
12. Making fun of people is never fun. Where's the fun in making fun? After the making part.
13. Call Natalie. Which Natalie? The mother. The mother of Natalie or Natalie the mother?

Thirteen is a great number. So that list probably won't make sense to anyone but me. Probably because it is the thoughts inside of my head. But it will probably entertain me for years to come. You have questions? I have answers. Usually.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here all day.

Inspired people

As of late, it has seemed as though I'm surrounded by amazing, inspired people.
"Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
Whoever Max Ehrmann is.. He's a freaking genius. Seriously. I should go Google him. Right now.

So anyway, surrounded by inspired people, yes. Max Ehrmann is one of them, even though I don't have a clue who he is. In my mind, this whole turn of events started with a simple text message from a good friend. Remember the boy who gave me a note with his testimony in it? Well the other night, he sent me a simple text, with a straightforward message. It was basically another testimony. He told me he wanted to be righteous, he wanted to go on a mission, he wanted to do this and that, and then he told me he wanted people to see in his eyes, what he sees in mine.

Well obviously, this is quite a compliment. But in all truthfulness.. It overwhelmed me. It scared the heck out of me. It made me feel horrible. Looking back now, it seems ridiculous. But I felt awful about myself, I felt undeserving of such a compliment on my character. I went upstairs and found my dad in the kitchen. I asked him a simple question, "Will I ever feel good enough?" I don't remember the specific advice he gave me. But when I went back downstairs to my room that night, I had a new book to read: Believing Christ.

I finished that book today.

Everything that's happened since that silly little text has been a flood of.. inspired people! This week it's felt like the whole universe is working together to make sure that I'm content, and learning, and becoming better.

Today I got a temple recommend to do baptisms for the dead on Saturday with a very good friend, Mrs. Ruesch, my choir teacher from junior high. I haven't had a temple recommend for a while. It was the best feeling in thee intire world.

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the the dull and the ignorant; they, too, have their story.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery, but let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection, neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perrenial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrender the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings: many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God. . . .and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Lift up your hearts - be not afraid!"

-Max Ehrmann. Genius.

No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should...
There is no doubt in my mind that God has a plan for each and every one of us. I guarantee it. I promise you that when you start seeing all the little miracles that happen to you, "God's tender mercies" as it were, that you will be able to catch a glimpse of His intricate plan for you. He does have one. No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. No doubt that whatever happens to you, is what is supposed to happen to you, and is part of God's plan for you. No doubt we can learn and grow from whatever tribulation is thrown at us, and one day become perfect in Him.

Don't ever stop loving and learning.

I'm a quitter

Editor's note: Ha! I fixed it! I'm so html savvy. =]

Now that I've successfully given up on passing my sign language class for the day, I decided that sitting at my computer rambling away like an idiot would be the next best way to spend my Saturday night. If it sounds like a desperate attempt at entertaining myself, it's because it is.

I could be going for a bike ride with Jeff, or doing something with Alex, or any number of things with any number of people. But something is wrong with me lately, and I don't feel like myself. My anxiety is preventing me from going out and doing things. On a normal day, I would be able to override it and do as I please. But it seems lately that it's really holding me back. I get nervous and sick to my stomach just thinking about it. What is it that makes me feel this way? Is there some kind of pressure that I'm unknowingly worrying about? Where is a girl supposed to turn to if she can't even figure herself out? How am I supposed to talk about my problems if I don't understand them?

I really want school to start.

You know I don't love the school part of school. And the people overwhelm me most of the time. But it gives me a backdrop to put the rest of my life in front of, and makes it more pleasing to look at. What do I have now? My own self motivation and goals. And where has that ever gotten me? Nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.

That stupid motivation word gets me every time. Not only do I feel like I don't have any motivation to do things, I don't have any determination to finish them either. Hence the title of this post, I'm a quitter.

I've aspired to quit being a quitter. But that's easier said, and written down, and made a goal of, then done. Mini-goals? I feel a list coming on.

Quitting Quitterness

1. Get involved in something and don't give up.

-sign language?

2. .....

That's about as far as I've gotten. Pretty impressive yeah? If you happen to stumble across my blog and are reading this, any suggestions to help me out would be great.

Alright enough of being downhearted. List number two, things I'm excited about.

I'm looking forward to:

1. Working my hiney off the next couple of weeks and making my house look good,

with or without the possible "prize" of an iPod at the end.

2. Youth Conference

because the people(boys) in the ward are people(boys) that I can stand to be around right now

without freaking out and getting sick to my stomach.

3. Danica coming home.

Which is before Youth Conference.

4. EFY

Always and forever and all eternity,

the best thing that has ever happened, and will happen to me.

5. School starting

because that is by far the best way to "hang out" with people.

Let me discuss this "hanging out" business for a minute. Not only do I not believe in "hanging out", especially with the opposite gender. But I do not like "hanging out", especially with the opposite gender. I prefer planned, preferably far in advance, activities. They make me feel less anxious (notice I'm still anxious, just less so), I feel more safe, and in control. And maybe it's stupid, and selfish, and because of personal issues. But that's the way I feel. I don't care what we do, I just want to do something, and not just sit around hanging out. Because I can do that by myself quite well thank you very much.

One more thought.

" 'Charity is the pure love of Christ.' The Savior exemplified that love and taught it even as He was tormented by those who despised and hated Him.

On one occasion the Pharisees tried to trap Jesus by asking Him a seemingly impossible question: 'Master,' they asked, 'which is the great commandment in the law?'

The Pharisees had debated this question extensively and had identified more than 600 commandments. If prioritizing them was such a difficult task for scholars, certainly they thought the question would be impossible for this son of a carpenter from Galilee.

But when the Pharisees heard His answer, they must have been troubled, for it pointed to their great weakness. He replied:

'Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

'This is the first and great commandment.

'And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

'On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.' "

"The measure of our love is the measure of the greatness of our souls."

" 'Love is one of the chief characteristics of Deity, and ought to be manifested by those who aspire to be the sons of God. A man filled with the love of God, is not content with blessing his family alone, but ranges through the whole world, anxious to bless the whole human race.'

As we reach out in love to those around us, we fulfill the other half of the great commandment to 'love they neighbour as thyself.'

Both commandments are necessary, for as we bear one another's burdens, we fulfill the law of Christ.

Love is the beginning, the middle, and the end of the pathway of discipleship. It comforts, counsels, cures, and consoles. It leads us through valleys of darkness and through the veil of death. In the end love leads us to the glory and grandeur of eternal life."

"Many asked why he gained so many followers and retained them. His answer: 'It is because I possess the principle of love.' "

"Sometimes the greatest love is not found in the dramatic scenes that poets and writers immortalize. Often, the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring we extend to those we meet along the path of life."

"We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won't, for he sees us as the glorious being we are capable of becoming.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of transformation. It takes us as men and women of the earth and refines us into men and women for the eternities.

The means of this refinement is our Christlike love."

"The Greek playright Sophocles wrote: 'One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.' "

"The greater the measure of our love, the greater is our joy."

"Do you love the Lord?"

Excerpts from The Great Commandment, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin (The absolute most genius apostle ever.)

Feel free to read the entire talk at: http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-775-10,00.html

Worth my time.

So this morning, I was reading the Ensign, this month's, the one about sharing the gospel using technology and yada yada. And I remembered that I actually have one of these blog thingys. Believe it or not I had totally and completely forgotten all about it. Which is why I suck at blogging.

But anyway, I decided it might be a cool thing to try to share my testimony on here. It probably won't be very effective, but it's a start. And it's good for me. I'm trying to really focus my life on spiritual things, it's just so much easier said than done. It seems like even with all I do, it will never be enough. But then again, knowing me, even if I was Marshall, I still wouldn't be satisfied.

Although, I'm not of the opinion that we ever should be completely satisfied. We should always be growing. But perhaps we should be satisfied that we're growing, and not hate ourselves for never being perfect.

So, switching gears a little bit. Once upon a time, there was a boy who gave me a note with his testimony in it. I would have to say that it really changed my perspective. And boy, did it strengthen mine, just to know that there actually are other teenagers out there striving to live the gospel and do what's right. I forget that sometimes. His testimony was so simple and straightforward, that I wished mine was more like that. Instead of all complicated and read between the lines-ish. I wanted my testimony to be simple too. And just let the Spirit testify to everyone how strongly I really feel.

So I challenged myself. In testimony meeting the next Sunday, I tried to keep it short, simple, and straightforward, and generally, let the Spirit do the talking and the testifying. I tried to leave out the exciting stories from my life, that not only make my testimony more interesting to listen to, but make me look like a great young individual. In short, I tried to forget everything else, and just let my ward know, that I know.

I wrote a song about wishing people knew the things I know. It was written after a particularly draining conversation with my friend Aaron, where I tried for more than an hour to get him to listen to what the spirit was trying to tell him, to no avail. I wrote in my journal one night, that one of the worst possible feelings you could ever feel, is to see the spirit trying to reach someone who won't let it in. I had an experience at EFY where this was even more evident. My roommate had had a lot of trouble with the way boys had treated her. She'd been abused and disrespected in almost every relationship she'd had. At EFY she had expected all the boys to treat her better, and they had. But one boy, I don't even remember his name, kept crossing over the line just a little bit. And finally, during the service project, he caused her to break down in tears. He hadn't done anything horribly wicked, but the way he had treated her was not ideal. And because of her situation, it was just the thing to make her feel discouraged about life. I remember sitting out in the hall next to her while she cried. My counselor came and said some things to her, and together, the three of us said a prayer. Afterward, I felt the spirit so strong, and I knew that the spirit was trying to enter her heart, to comfort her. But for whatever reason, she wouldn't let Him in. I remember clear as day sitting with my arm around her in tense silence, completely caught up and overwhelmed by the spirit, and telling my new friend "The Spirit's trying to talk to you Ash, you need to let Him in, He's trying to comfort you."

I stand by that statement today. Many righteous prophets in the scriptures have wept because of their wicked people, who refuse to listen to the Spirit. I feel that the Spirit is always trying to be with us, to comfort us, and teach us. He wants to be with us. The choices we make, and the things we do, are what force Him away from us, or keep Him close to us.

So, I for one, try to do things in a way that I know the Spirit can be with me at all times. I try to say my prayers and read my scriptures, and church books and magazines to openly invite Him into my life. I get a little bit upset when people in my family do things that chase the Spirit away from our home. I need to work on that because that's not under my control. But I get even more upset when I do things that chase the spirit away from our home. I don't know about everyone else, but I need Him here with me, to guide me so that I don't make so many mistakes. And when I do make mistakes, or I get hurt, I need His comforting presence so that I can recover, and continuing learning and growing.

I actually suck at blogging.

So I'm not sure why I'm doing this. Except that I'm lonely and scared of being depressed and don't feel like doing anything except sitting down at a computer and typing to an unseen someone. Which is slightly pathetic. Sigh.
So there are lot of reasons why I might be depressed right now, or becoming so. And I'm hoping that listing them may help prevent full blown depression. Might as well know, I'm a compulsive list-maker.


1. There's this boy. Aaron. When things aren't right with him.. seems like there's always something missing. End of story.

2. I don't like anybody right now. Well I mean I care about people and all. But I don't like any boys romantically right now because well, I can't. I mean I can. But it's not like anything will ever happen. And I think it's about time I got used to that. Instead of screwing up everybody's feelings. I've been acting very selfish. It's about time I stopped. You see I went to girl's camp, and I'm going to have to make some big changes. Because I've been doing things wrong, and talking myself out of it, for quite some time now. Not completely wrong, just not completely right either. I like to blame it on my parents when it comes down to it. But secretly I know that it's really my fault and my fault alone. I will remain free by choosing good over evil and taking accountability for my choices.

3. Alex disappointed me. And now I have to disappoint him. Again. Which just sucks overall.

4. Danica and I are not perfectly peachy right now. And that can always be stressful. I wanted to talk with her tonight at the park, but el madre wouldn't allow it tonight. Darn. Maybe we'll go swimming tomorrow.

5. My room is messy. That's it.

6. Mom is stressed. Even though she's stressed out all the time, it's one of her majorly stressed all the time phases. And it affects dad. Which makes it about twenty-four times worse.

7. Istanbul was Constantinople. But now it's Istanbul not Constantinople.

8. I haven't written in my journal whole-heartedly since Thursday. This is obviously a huge issue. Earth to me..


So I guess I always end up making stupid lists like this and then when I look back over them I'm like gee, I'm an idiot, that was obvious to the tenth power.

You know, it's kinda stupid for a boy to be a jerk just because he's trying to get over you. It really hurts my feelings. Now I know how much I really mean to him you know? I gave him my whole heart and soul by sharing all the poems I wrote about him with him. And he thought they were really good. But he doesn't really care. Because he's only looking for one thing. And I can't give it to him. It's all about him. He doesn't really care how I feel. I don't even know why I try with him anymore. If it wasn't for his mother... I would have stopped everything with him a million years ago. Actually if it wasn't for his mother, nothing would have ever started! Take that stinkhead. Sometimes I wonder if he really even cares about his mother anymore though. Sometimes I wonder if he's just started focusing so much on finding someone to replace her, that he's lost sight of everything that's important. Sometimes I wonder if that's my fault, because I took some of the special things he had with her, and made them special things he had with me, because he shared with me. I didn't want to do that.

I'm so sick of being everyone's hero. I'm so tired of caring for everyone else, and not having anyone to care about me. Except for dear old dad of course. But I need a hero. I have Alex. But getting all stupid and relationshippy ruins everything. I should have learned my lesson about that by now. At least I have Alex. I need to not go on about how I don't have anyone who cares about me. What a stupid subject. Of course people care about me. I just don't care about myself enough to actually use people. What am I trying to say? I'm trying to say that maybe I care about people too much to really vent to them. Maybe I don't want people to worry about me, because it's my job to worry about them. Maybe I'm just like Jaron, at least the old Jaron. And maybe, just maybe, I really really really need the old Jaron back.

I can't believe this. I guess I probably am going into another depression phase. I never get depressed about Jaron anymore. But here I am.. Wishing he was still here. You know I would like to blame him for being the reason that I can't trust people to worry about me anymore. I'm not sure it's justifiable, but I would like to.

Jaron Paul Vansambeek.
Want to explain something to me? Put my heart at ease?
Why?

Any explanation. Anything at all. I just miss you so much. I wish you knew. I wish you knew how much I miss you. And how horribly you hurt me. And how much you meant to me. And mean to me. But chances are, you never will. And chances are, I'll never get over it. Friendships hurt so much more.

Well this is turning into quite the little sermon for myself. I guess I should do this more often. Even if it makes me think about things I never want to think about anymore. I doubt anyone will read this. It's probably way too depressing. Maybe one day I'll have something worth reading. But this venting shiz surely isn't it. I'm sorry if you wasted your time on it.