Saturday, October 30, 2010

A Good Day to Write

At the circus of life I took a leap
from the platform that kept my
feet on solid ground.
I leapt expecting you to catch me
but you were not found

And I was left tangled in a heap
while you grinned down at me
and said "I'm sorry,
this wasn't meant to be."

Oh, soul, why did I leap?
I should have walked the rope,
inching my way slowly forward
with nothing to regret.
Or covered myself with masks
and makeup
to hide my aching scars.
Or trained the animals
for surely they would never drop me
like your able, willing arms
strong enough to let me go.
I leapt because I had to fall
to learn what I already should know.

Yeah so... It's kinda funny that I haven't written since August. I don't even remember August. I don't remember what I was doing or who I was. I guess I don't really want to.
I have a mirror in my bedroom. Almost a year ago I wrote the words "Be in the moment!" in dry erase marker on my mirror. I think I stole these words from a conference talk. Pretty sure. I wrote them there because I was trying desperately to enjoy myself at the end of my senior year, while battling some of the hardest trials I've had to face, and serious depression. I was trying to discipline my mind to stop dizzying me with all the should-haves and could-bes, and just laugh and celebrate the right-nows.

It's ironic though, because I don't remember any of those right-nows. I guess it's a good thing I kept a journal so I can remember all the good things that happen in my life.
Stupid should-haves and could-bes..

In 12 days, it will be 1 whole year since one of the most defining days in my life. I never foresaw the impact this day would have on my life for the next year. I never imagined the could-be that I am today. I am not who I was a year ago. I am not who I was 2 months ago! The experiences I am having now are so influential that the growth I'm experiencing is overwhelming. Becoming an "adult" is not a simple transformation.