Deep water.

un.cer.tain.ty [un surt'ntee]

1. fact of being uncertain: the quality or state of being uncertain

2. unpredictable thing: something that nobody can predict or guarantee

synonyms: doubt, indecision, hesitation, vagueness, ambiguity, insecurity

There's something about it that captures me, excites me even. A year ago, I grasped the idea of faith being akin to walking in the dark. I'm scared of the dark, truly. Sometimes I feel like I'm still a 5-year-old child in a red brick house in Sugar House that clings tightly to my stuffed bear, Stanley, for the few seconds it takes for daddy to walk from my bed covers, that he just tucked in, all the way to the electrical outlet in the wall, where he picks up the night light we bought from the dollar store and firmly plugs it into the wall. Those seconds used to feel like hours. And sometimes as I'm taking hesitant steps forward, feeling my way through the darkness of mortality, the days of darkness feel like months and years. Sometimes they are months and years, but in the vast concept of eternity they are comparable to just a few seconds of holding tight to dear Stanley.

But.. Something has changed about my perspective in the last year. I have been climbing mountain after mountain, and the higher I climb, the better the view and the more I can see. Fear of the dark becomes nothing more than a silly temptation the more I realize that faith dispels it entirely each time I choose to rely on my perfect Savior in lieu of my flawed and prideful self.

I have been saying that I feel as though I have been tossed back into the middle of the ocean. I'm just treading water and drifting slowly until I can see the shore again. I feel like I'm back in deep water with only a spiritual Liahona to tell me which direction to swim in. It takes tremendous faith to stay afloat and paddle diligently onward with no immediate or tangible results.

But! As Joseph Smith said "Deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me." More than just second nature though, I have come to discover joy in uncertainty.

Some sliver of a waver (or wave!) excites me. Something about the unknown is terribly beckoning. Some mystery of a story's ending arouses a twisted kind of confidence in me. A confidence in a Creator who creates exhilarating waves and sends them crashing in my direction, an omnipotent Author who ultimately generates a more edifying plot than I could ever imagine with the powers of my own limited being.

More than that, He gives me the power to create my own destiny. Much like a thrilling roller coaster with dives and loops designed to enlighten, His path stretches ahead of me, should I choose to trust in His intimidating construction.

So what am I saying here with all of this over-the-top imagery? Well, I once told my dad (in reference to my mother and me): "Women like us aren't comfortable unless we're uncomfortable." Somehow, through a series of trials designed to test my patience and faith, I have gained an appreciation for the deep water I get thrown into every now and then. Sometimes it smells so strongly of salt that I forget how savory the moments are when I must rely solely on my spiritual senses to direct me. But without the consistent use of my swimming muscles, I'd never get anywhere anyway. So the real idea here is as simple as an oft-quoted memory-deprived fish named Dory from a children's movie:

Just keep swimming.

Just feel.

A recent missionary letter I received said:
"I want so badly for people to just stop whatever they're doing, stop thinking and just feel."

I know he's only 19, but the kid knows what he's talking about.
Sometimes nothing seems real except for the way I feel. Because nothing is real unless I feel something.

Is it possible that in a world of fast-paced technologies and endless representations of reality, we sometimes get so caught up in what swirls around us that we forget to just stop and think about ourselves and what we feel? I submit that maybe we spend so much time in movies and music and other false realities that we sometimes lose sight of our own reality.

At least I do.

So college is all about figuring yourself out, for real, you know? It's the real deal.. Deciding what you want to do for the rest of your life, and what you want to be and what you want to become. At least for me, college is about deciding and deciphering my own personal reality. That's why it doesn't matter what crazy, fun things I did this semester or last. It doesn't matter if I have a date this weekend or not. What matters is that I'm still progressing and learning at a fantastic rate and I'll never get this opportunity again. The fun times I have along the way are all part of that, but only a part. Just another tiny little piece falling into its place in the Master's grand plan.

The talk that inspired a significant portion of these thoughts: http://www.byui.edu/Presentations/Transcripts/Devotionals/2000_10_03_Hafen.htm

Think about it.
And don't be afraid to feel a little too.
<3

Followup.

I'm not engaged.
I went to a wedding on Friday.
That's all.

Weddings.

Yesterday I prayed a lot.


...it worked. :)
That's all.

Just some ideas being tossed around in the dryer.

Growing up is weird.
Change is why we're here.
Faith gets us through.
Agency is power.

To be in time means to change.
-C.S. Lewis

My mind is full of big ideas. Massive concepts. But they're just stuck in there. I have such a hard time squeezing them out. Occasionally I attempt to share one, but when I do I feel as if it's been condensed. Now it's the Reader's Digest version of my profound idea, it shrunk in the dryer and doesn't fit exactly the way it did before.

Some shrunken, shriveled, wrinkled, watered down major big conceptual ideas:

Change

Faith

Agency

Creation

Fall

Atonement

Love and Pride

The main reason I fell into such adamant admiration of Mr. Fred Rogers is because of his astounding ability to convey big ideas in such simple terms. (Check out the alliteration in that last sentence!) Simple enough for a child to understand. The gospel is simple. I want my ideas to be simple. I analyze all of the information that I take in and desperately grasp several concepts at once, trying to tie them all together. It seems to work fine in my mind but when I start to put it into words the threads become thinner and some of them break and everything gets all jumbled up again.

I just feel as though there are only a few underlying concepts to understand in this life. They really are quite simple, but we spend our whole lives examining their complexities in an attempt to comrehend something beyond our mortal comprehension.

I suppose what brings me peace is knowing that we are not meant to understand all things at this time, only what we can. We learn to trust God and be at peace with the fact that the universe is in His merciful, loving hands. We learn to love the questions in our heart as line upon line glorious mysteries are unfolded.

And that is the joy and the glory of this life: To inevitably bring to pass (line upon line, precept by precept) the immortality and eternal life of man.

"Behold, great and marvelous are the works of the Lord. How unsearchable are the depths of the mysteries of Him; and it is impossible that man should find out all His ways. And no man knoweth of His ways save it be revealed unto him; wherefore, brethren, despise not the revelations of God."
Jacob 4:8

Emotions Unplugged

As courageous as I deem myself to be
your arms drown me in undeniable peace
A peace that I crave every second
of every year and when I’m not within it
I swoon with the uncertainty
Oblivious to what this could be
I skip lightly through the flowered days trying not
to sink too deep into the sweet smelling soil
of your still meadows
But if I did, I know you’d be there waiting
to envelope me in your unfathomable calm
In the deep brown light that hides
under your perpetual eyelashes
I set myself aglow
And even now, as my pen glides across
this yellowed sheet of paper
There is unshakable fear settling in my heart
beside ancient, bottomless stores of hope
They swirl together to create
the mist that sparkles in my eyes
when I look up and see through
your transparent manifestation
I trust that some omnipotent Creator
placed me here in your arms to
blanket me in peace
despite my failed courage


I wrote that over the weekend. About a boy that I guess is pretty special to me right now.
The last few months have been kind of a whirlwind of awesomeness. My first semester of college is wrapping up in the next few weeks.
College? I started this blog when I was a sophomore in high school. I finally understand what people mean when they say that the things you go through in junior high and high school aren't as important as you think they are. But there's no way for anyone to possibly understand that until they've lived through it.

Despite the fact that passionful crushes fade and friendships become long distance, the things we experience as adolescents really are important. Maybe I won't marry my high school sweetheart, but my experiences with him and everyone and everything else made me who I am today. Now I understand what people mean when they say that teenagers are living in their own reality, but that doesn't change the fact that it IS reality for them. I have always disliked how my age defines me.

I have so many dreams..
The literal, symbolic kind that scare me half to death because they are so full of meaning
and the figurative, hopeful wishing kind.

I think of all the things I could do if I really applied myself like the people in history that you hear stories about. The kind of people that start at the bottom but out-work everyone else until they get to the top. I'm the kind of person that floats around in the middle because I'm talented enough to get by, but not motivated enough to push myself to the top. That's a pretty picture.. Sigh. I've always been a floater.

Some examples of crazy dreams:

- American Sign Language Interpreting for General Conference
- Directing a high school or fireside choir
- Singing for an EFY CD or something of that nature

The problem with pursuing my dreams is that there are only two things I am truly passionate about, two things that I really sincerely ache for:

1. To serve and love every single human being that I ever come in contact with
2. Be the best full-time wife and mother that Tori Jensen can possibly be

That's all I really care about. Even the things I dream about and would love to do come in second to those two desires. Everything I do, everything I focus on goes back to those two things. And the gospel, but I figure that's just a given. I'm reminded of the talk "Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall" by Dallin H. Oaks. Check it out: http://lds.org/liahona/1995/05/our-strengths-can-become-our-downfall?lang=eng&query=strengths+can+become+our+downfall
As I read through this, I was surprised to discover how many of his examples applied to me. I never thought that there would be a way to rely on the gospel TOO heavily. But lo and behold, when you put it that way..

I suppose that's why my personal spiritual theme for the semester seems to be learning how to rely on myself and my own power to make decisions and do what's right. For so long I have relied heavily on my testimony and being in tune with the spirit, which of course I still do. But Heavenly Father is making it clear to me that I have the knowledge and skills I need to make my own righteous decisions. I've been learning about Agency. It is more than just a gift He gave us to make us happy. Agency is the POWER to be like Him. Our Agency is what gives us the potential to be Godlike. No matter what conditions we are born with or born into, we have a choice to be happy or not. The Gospel trumps EVERYTHING. No matter what hand we are dealt in this life, we have the trump card, the Gospel, that wins every round. We came to this life to learn how to use the unfathomable power of Agency.

One more thing. This comes from a stupid 5-page paper I had to write for my Home and Family Management class, but I worked hard and believe this is well-constructed paragraph:

"Preparation and planning work harmoniously together when we use our planning resources to prepare, specifically prepare for the unexpected. By implementing future plans and utilizing schedules, we organize the resources and information that we already have so that we can exploit them to the optimum level when we collide with time in the present. We have all heard the John Lennon adage “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” Let us then make plans for life to happen, and avoid the intense friction that occurs when what we thought should happen does not coincide with what in reality does happen."

On that note, just a reminder that "whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." And if we are righteously striving daily to reach our potential by being anxiously engaged and consistently repenting, then we have no need to fear. Just keep loving.

A Good Day to Write

At the circus of life I took a leap
from the platform that kept my
feet on solid ground.
I leapt expecting you to catch me
but you were not found
And I was left tangled in a heap
while you grinned down at me
and said "I'm sorry,
this wasn't meant to be."

Oh, soul, why did I leap?
I should have walked the rope,
inching my way slowly forward
with nothing to regret.
Or covered myself with masks
and makeup
to hide my aching scars.
Or trained the animals
for surely they would never drop me
like your able, willing arms
strong enough to let me go.
I leapt because I had to fall
to learn what I already should know.


Yeah so... It's kinda funny that I haven't written since August. I don't even remember August. I don't remember what I was doing or who I was. I guess I don't really want to.
I have a mirror in my bedroom. Almost a year ago I wrote the words "Be in the moment!" in dry erase marker on my mirror. I think I stole these words from a conference talk. Pretty sure. I wrote them there because I was trying desperately to enjoy myself at the end of my senior year, while battling some of the hardest trials I've had to face, and serious depression. I was trying to discipline my mind to stop dizzying me with all the should-haves and could-bes, and just laugh and celebrate the right-nows.

It's ironic though, because I don't remember any of those right-nows. I guess it's a good thing I kept a journal so I can remember all the good things that happen in my life.
Stupid should-haves and could-bes..

In 12 days, it will be 1 whole year since one of the most defining days in my life. I never foresaw the impact this day would have on my life for the next year. I never imagined the could-be that I am today. I am not who I was a year ago. I am not who I was 2 months ago! The experiences I am having now are so influential that the growth I'm experiencing is overwhelming. Becoming an "adult" is not a simple transformation.