Awesomeness.

Good morning all.

So... Here we go. Life is crazy. I have so much to say and so little, where to begin?

Well I just got back from the temple. It just so happens that the Jordan River temple is closed on Mondays, in case y'all were wondering. But we went to breakfast anyway. And I feel pretty good at life. We concluded that the Lord will bless us for our willingness to serve.

Honestly He blesses us for stupider reasons than that..
Sometimes He blesses us for NO reason.
Except that He loves us.

My parents are really good examples that way. It's no secret that I'm the biggest spoiled brat in the universe. And sometimes (okay, I'll admit it) I feel like I deserve it or I'm entitled to it or something. Pride is probably my biggest temptation. But I was headed in a completely different direction with this. What I was going to say is that my parents help me out and support me even when I don't deserve it! They do it because they love me. And because they give me tons of credit for the good things I do, and forgive me when I make mistakes. Yep, I even have amazing parents, it doesn't get much more spoiled rotten than me.

So I went on tour this week. It was quite a trip. When it's all said and done it feels like the shortest four days of your life. But when you're in the moment, it feels like you're destined to live on a bus with your friends for the rest of eternity. When it's over, you've changed. Whether you like it or not you're a different person now. And you have to discover and cope with the feelings of a new being. Things change. I am one of those things.

Elder Steven E. Snow of the Presidency of the Seventy gave a talk just last week in General Conference about "getting on with our lives." He taught four ways of preparing for inevitable change in our lives:

1. Follow the prophets

2. Keep an eternal perspective

3. Have faith

4. Be of good cheer

If I may, I want to add to that list:

5. Put the gospel first in all things

6. Be grateful

I had another experience with tour that helped me learn, grow, and build my testimony. For months beforehand I was nervous to go on tour. The reasons why are too numerous to explain in great detail. One major stressor was simply the idea of being around so many people for so long. So many friendships and relationships to keep intact all at once is a great challenge for me! I was sure there would be teenage "drama" and plenty of contention and disagreements. I knew it would be a struggle for me to be surrounded by my peers for four full days. Nonetheless, I had a firm determination to enjoy myself. I was not going to hold back and let my anxieties stand in the way of the fun I could be having! I knew that to accomplish this, I would need strength beyond my own.

I can say sincerely that I was praying for weeks, maybe even a month in advance to be able to have a great experience on tour. And for strength for the entire month of April. Maybe I was a little paranoid, but I needed to prepare myself. From the moment I sat down on the bus, I could feel that strength pouring into me. Tour was full of great experiences, and trying ones, but through it all that strength remained. It was inside of me, but it was not mine. From somewhere beyond myself, I was being lifted and comforted through all emotional turmoil. From somewhere beyond myself, I found strength.

Now don't get me wrong. When I'm writing I tend to intensely dramatize things. That's just my style. And it wasn't like when I was on tour I was floating on some cloud ten feet off the ground. I didn't even recognize this "inner strength" I had found until the the third of four days! Sure I read my scriptures every night and tried to remember to pray, but it would be dishonest of me to pretend like I didn't have other things on my mind most of the time. How could I not with Prince Studmuffin hanging around?

Obviously living the gospel isn't about being a saint. Obviously the Lord chooses to bless us for stupid reasons, or no reason at all.

Except this. That He loves us.

In this last conference, Elder Rafael E. Pino said "Living the gospel . . . means that we will be prepared to face and endure adversity more confidently." Okay so maybe going on tour isn't considered "adversity" for most people. But it's definitely something that I needed help preparing to face and endure. Another quote from Elder Pino's talk: "This was the time to show loyalty to God and to acknowledge that we depend on Him, that His will must be obeyed, and that we are subject to Him." I believe that it is always this time! Especially in times of adversity, sure. But even in times of great happiness and security, or on little school trips to Seattle! I believe that the more we live the higher law when it comes to the little things, the easier it will become to live that law when we're faced with real challenges or temptation. If we practice living the commandments when things are running smoothly, then we won't have to struggle through and question what to do when times are hard, because we'll already know. "Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies." -Mother Teresa

I wanted to share one last thing in this newest post of mine. I wrote this months ago but it still stands strong!

"The most important thing for me in a guy is if he honors his priesthood. I don't care what he looks like, if he honors his priesthood and loves his Savior, that is attractive to me. I have noticed that young men who do not hold the priesthood often don't know how to treat young women. They are confused when I am annoyed by their immature, somewhat physical advances. A young man who honors his priesthood knows how to respect and admire young women without "coming on too strong." That kind of steadfast young man may not catch a girl's attention immediately, but will ultimately receive the kind of affection he is seeking from a virtuous young woman.A young man who desires to serve a mission is the only kind of young man I can enjoy going on a date with. This kind of young man makes me feel comfortable when I am with him because I know that not only can I keep my standards high in his presence, but he will encourage and make sure those high standards are kept."

The end.

P.s. To read more of Elder Snow's talk: http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1032-25,00.html

To read more of Elder Pino's talk: http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1032-14,00.html

Lately...

Can I miss you any more than this?
Is there any more of you to miss?
Do I ever cross your mind?
In deep recesses do you find
a never ending, constant bliss
for something you don't miss?

Can I praise you tenderly
without you thinking more of me?
You mistake sincerity
for something with less clarity.
How refreshing will it be
for you to sigh and think of me?

Are you blind to higher laws?
Will we ever love with flaws?
Can you and I find peace divine
if only one us will shine?
Forever searching for the cause
of what we have, that redeems flaws.

"Love," I whisper, you don't hear
though I'll forever hold you dear.
And in my heart, as time rolls by,
there is a place to think and sigh
and feelings bloom throughout the years
for I'll forever love you, dear.

Living with parents

The time has come.
This is it.
The end of an era.
The beginning of...
Responsibility?

The sixth and final brother is gone. Leaving me with.. myself. In a week he will take an airplane allll the way to... Arizona... Where I will faithfully write him uplifting letters each and every week.

And me? I'll go through his stuff and put his junk to good use. His clothes, his MP3 player, his Gameboy, his room. It will miss him, but not as much as I will. I'll think about him every now and then. But mostly I just stay occupado and pretend he'll be coming home late tonight. Denial? Nah.. More like when a child clings to a blanket when his mother leaves. More like comfort food. Less like denial, more like that.

And you know what the neatest thing is? A week and a half later I'll get the opportunity to go to the baptism of my very dear friends. And as I sit on the pew surrounded by friends with enormous hearts and strong testimonies, I get to look up at the stand and see the four handsome missionaries sitting there and I get to say "My brother's doing that." And I get to see, with my very own heart, the great work he has set out to do. The life-changing message he gets to share. And I get to feel in my very own soul, the greatest Spirit of acceptance. And my very own love.

I know that my Redeemer lives.

As Christmas draws nearer, I feel like I'm moving backwards in time, backwards to turkey sandwiches and candied yams. Back to Thanksgiving and an everlasting warmth of gratitude. An attitude that has so fully enveloped my heart that it has changed my life and strenghthened my soul. Not to mention the burning testimony within that soul.

Merry Christmas.

The upward curve in the horizon

Editor's note: HTML on Blogger is queer.

Finally October is over.

October is a cursed month for my family, cursed in a beautiful kind of way, but none the less, cursed. I sure got sick a lot this month. Which makes life seem so much harder. With the end of term and everything.. November feels like a fresh start. I love new beginnings.

My life is a collage of lines from songs and quotes that hit me really hard. I love it when someone else can get what I'm feeling into words so that I don't have to. One that I think describes me right now really well is:

"What a beautiful mess this is

it's like picking up trash in dresses."

That's kind of my life kind of. It's how I feel a lot anyway. Because my life is beautiful, but it sure gets messy sometimes. One day someone will understand how I'm not sad just cloudy, and not confused just cluttered. One day people will get it how you can just be close to your Savior and have His peace with you. And when you have that kind of peace, and that kind of comfort.. You're not always happy, no one is always happy. But. You're not sad even when you're sad. You're not angry, even when you're angry. And when you're happy... It's more than happy. It's more than joy. You have to experience it to believe it, but it's real.

And the good news is you don't even have to do anything hard to have Him with you. All you have to do is live your life in such a way that shows that you want Him there. And He'll be there. He wants to be.

I used to say the gospel is hard. I used to say it's a tough church. I said it in my testimony once and the stake president commented on it and boy did I feel special for saying something so smart. And then this past general conference someone said "The gospel is not hard, life is hard." It's taken me a little while to realize it. But that is more true than anything else. When the Lord's Spirit is with you, life seems easy even when it's not.

And people say I contradict myself... I can't imagine why. But I like to think that that is where the heart of my contradictions lies. In the Lord's peace. Because my testimony has no doubts, no fears, not a care beyond doing what He wants me to do. The temptations of the world are what cause the contradictions. So contradict that.

The saga continues...

Life flies by at a frightening pace doesn't it? Hardly gives you time to breath really. Sometimes I feel drowned and suffocated by everything. Other times I feel surrounded and comforted by the same things.
Could I possibly be growing up? If this is what growing up feels like, I'm not certain I want to be growing anywhere. Sometimes I wish there was a pause button. Just so I could take a step back, take a deep breath, and take a look at it all as a whole. It gets a little jumbled together and that's where the so-called "confusion" begins.
It all comes down to the simple things doesn't it? That's what it always comes down to. Maybe Dad's right about priorities. Maybe that could be one of the keys to the whole operation. Maybe priorities open just one more door on this journey.
Maybe I speak in a lot of metaphors lately that don't make sense to anything.
Back to simple things. You figure those things out and everything falls into place. You prioritize and figure out what really matters, and everything just happens to work out.
I think life really works well that way..
Hm...
So confusion.. comes from.. making the simple things just a little blurred and cluttered. Get the simple things straightened out and put together, the BIG things, and the little things will fit right where they need to.
So basically.. I'm standing on the sky. But that's where I'm supposed to be. So the real question is, are they looking up or looking down?

One last thing.
I know exactly how I feel about you.
Exactly.
I just haven't figured out what comes next..
Have you?

When you do.. would you let me know?

You.
And you. And you.
Forget you.
No one needs you.
I need you.
I don't need you.
A different face,
different arms to hold me
that aren't yours.
I don't need you.
I need you.
I'm not sad, just a little cloudy.
I'm not confused, just a little cluttered.
Here it comes. Here I go
write my heart out
for you.
And you. And you.

So many people, so little Tori

Okay so it's been awhile. Like maybe a month? Almost?
Quite a bit has happened in that month, the month of August.
Things like EFY, and school starting. Exciting things like that.

I can't even begin to describe the miraculousness of it all. It needs a word of it's own. But how do you come up with a word to describe such intense joy? It's one of those things that simply cannot be expressed in words.
"There are times when explanations, no matter how reasonable, just don’t seem to help."
-Mr. (Fred) Rogers

This is one of those times.

I could explain to you how I feel about everything happening to me lately, or try to, (my lack of verbal skill would most definitely be a barrier) but it wouldn't help much. It's one of those things you won't ever understand until you experience it for yourself. There are many of those I've noticed.
The most prominent feeling throughout all of this, the one that sticks out to me the most, is how grateful I am. I think being grateful can lead to love, which in turns leads to joy. I am so grateful for every moment I am living. I am so grateful for all of the incredible people that I am surrounded by every day, including my family. I'm grateful for all the opportunities that I am blessed with. I am grateful that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and that I was raised in the most true church on this good earth. I'm grateful for all the material possessions that I am blessed with that I take for granted. And simply put, I'm grateful that I am me.

I've started reading my scriptures first thing after school for twenty minutes, with another ten minutes of gospel study on top of that. I think it's really changed life even more for me. Because this way I'm not too tired to read every night, it doesn't keep me up late at night, the time limit forces me to study and focus more, etc etc. Millions of reasons. Point is, it's wonderful. I also have seminary every morning. Which is a great blessing. I fully intend to keep actively pursuing the spirit every day of my life.

What I would love more than anything else right now is to make an extremely long list of all the millions of people on my mind. But I don't think that is really appropriate for this situation. People will think I'm creepy. So I'll just end it.

The end.

Here we go again

Okay people. To all of my avid readers, of which there are one, I'm too busy to blog every day of my life. So shut it.

"Sometimes you don't talk because you are inside yourself and outside things are a distraction you'd rather not endure. Maybe the world will go away, you hope."

My mom wrote that. I'm basically a miniature version of my mother. Isn't that great? It really is. I always thought I was more like my dad. But I'm noticing more and more that I am more like my mom. Isn't that great? It really is.

There is so much going through my mind right now that I can't even process it. That's kind of how it feels to be inside of yourself. You can't process anything the way you're supposed to. When this happens, I tend to make lists. Yay.

1. Max Worsham. Nuff said.
2. Alex Hughes. Nothing to say.
3. "See you in the next life" +plus+ "Is it the next life already??" =equals= The extent of Tori's cleverness.
4. Are you Mormon? Do you like to read?
5. Some 13-year-olds are just born with amazing eyes.
6. Don't invite people to mutual unless you really want them there. On the other hand, just invite people to mutual. It's good for you. And them.
7. Mr. Revelli is not a seminary teacher. Get over it.
8. Your pet bathroom will never smell like vanilla goodness!
9. I don't want to live by myself with old people. Graduation's going to suck!
10. "I heard you wanted to be accompanist." "Oh I did. Now I don't."
11. Some 17-year-old girls are just born high maintenance flirts.
12. Making fun of people is never fun. Where's the fun in making fun? After the making part.
13. Call Natalie. Which Natalie? The mother. The mother of Natalie or Natalie the mother?

Thirteen is a great number. So that list probably won't make sense to anyone but me. Probably because it is the thoughts inside of my head. But it will probably entertain me for years to come. You have questions? I have answers. Usually.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here all day.