Every step hurts.

Never have I been so abased. Never have I had to sit in a puddle of my own pride and foolishness, and watch the people around me love me in spite of myself. So much so as to take my hand and lead me away from my degraded state, toward hope.

It was at that moment that my Savior's incredible love sunk deep into my aching, cracking heart. And though I had been wicked, I was never worthless. Though I was helpless, I was never hopeless. Though I was humiliated, I was indeed humbled.

As the Savior wraps his loving arms around my throbbing, tender heart, I resolve to spend the remainder of my life in His service, as a pitiful attempt to make up for the damage I have caused.

http://lds.org/new-era/1982/08/running-on?lang=eng&query=every+step+hurts



.

Emotionally Opposite

Perhaps it's not so much that I feel too much, but simply that the timing of my emotions is completely off. I have a tendency to laugh at the all the wrong moments, cry only when it's embarrassing to do so, feel sad when I have no reason to be and elated when I should be miserable.
Am I ashamed of my antics? Not at all, though I have a tendency to feel attacked when people accuse me of intentional emotional dyslexia.

I am not emotionally upside down on purpose. Emotionally, I am not ANYthing on purpose. I have observed people try to be different just for the sake of being different. Recently, I have discovered that I have no similar inclination. It doesn't bother me to be the same as the majority, as long as I am genuinely myself. Feeling that way makes me different.

But not on purpose.


All I'm trying to say here is that we are all different. Yes, we are all special and unique, Brogan. But the only way we can accomplish a sincere feeling of peculiarity is to

just be.


We're all trying so hard to become something. The only thing I want to become is a more Christlike version of myself.

Thanks for listening.

Dear...

Lately I've been thinking about well, you. I've been thinking about what I can do for you. I want to bring a little joy into your life. I want you to walk away from me feeling better about yourself. Maybe we'll just have a quick, small-talky chat and it will be enough to make your face a little brighter and your heart a little lighter. Maybe it'll take a hug or a quick squeeze of your arm, just to let you know that someone cares about you. Maybe I can give you a ride or answer a question or shovel your walkway or do those dishes you never find time to get around to. I have a feeling you don't understand that I would do anything for you. We're talking give you my extra kidney to save your life type of anything. I'm not very good at showing it. Sometimes I forget to say it. The only way I can think of to explain it is that my momma once told me that I should always leave a place cleaner and better than it was when I got there. The same is true of you. I want you to be better off than you were when you met me. That's why I've been thinking about you. And why I always think of you.

Who would have known...

...that a text from two months ago would be what I needed to hear tonight?

"You're going to feel increased anxiety, Tori, as you 'water-walk,' and, like Peter, you'll probably sink a few times along the way. On the other hand, as with Peter, Christ will not let you drown."

Friend, thank you.

The key to enjoying children is to be a child yourself.

Ready, set, thoughtpurge.
Some thoughts from the last couple of months:


Dear world, sometimes living the standards of a Latter-Day Saint can be incredibly isolating.
Toto, we're not in Rexburg anymore.

Abby: You're the greatest aunt ever! You can even make CLEANING fun!

Solitude is sometimes as simple as internal silence.

The hardest thing about being in Washington is being here.

I feel like we are being prepared for each other. I've never been so certain about something so uncertain.

Sometimes when sad things happen to my friends, I cry about it like they are my own children.

Sometimes I don't even feel like a real person, because life feels like a dream.

Music is not my life, but music saves my life.

I don't feel like I'm missing out on things in Utah (&Idaho), even though I am missing things in Utah (&Idaho). That's the good news. What that says to me is that I am in the right place.

This is KEY to my happiness right now: As long as I am serving, I fit.

I can't shut the door because it was never open. But I swear I can see through it like it was never there.

"I miss you" never gets old as long as you mean it.

Here's to love, in all its infinite varieties.

This: "The idea hovered and shimmered delicately, like a soap bubble, and she dared not even look at it directly in case it burst. But she was familiar with the way of ideas, and she let it shimmer, looking away, thinking about something else."
Plus faith.
Equals this: "When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream." -Paulo Coelho

The only person who doesn't believe in him is himself.

The key to enjoying children is to be a child yourself.

Sometimes all you need is a bathroom stall and a silent prayer to get you through the day.

Something about a full tank of gas makes me want to drive until it's empty.

"I'm finally catching on to it, the past is just a conduit."

I want to marry someone like George Washington.



Anyone get anything out of that?
Haveaniceday.

Deep water.

un.cer.tain.ty [un surt'ntee]

1. fact of being uncertain: the quality or state of being uncertain

2. unpredictable thing: something that nobody can predict or guarantee

synonyms: doubt, indecision, hesitation, vagueness, ambiguity, insecurity

There's something about it that captures me, excites me even. A year ago, I grasped the idea of faith being akin to walking in the dark. I'm scared of the dark, truly. Sometimes I feel like I'm still a 5-year-old child in a red brick house in Sugar House that clings tightly to my stuffed bear, Stanley, for the few seconds it takes for daddy to walk from my bed covers, that he just tucked in, all the way to the electrical outlet in the wall, where he picks up the night light we bought from the dollar store and firmly plugs it into the wall. Those seconds used to feel like hours. And sometimes as I'm taking hesitant steps forward, feeling my way through the darkness of mortality, the days of darkness feel like months and years. Sometimes they are months and years, but in the vast concept of eternity they are comparable to just a few seconds of holding tight to dear Stanley.

But.. Something has changed about my perspective in the last year. I have been climbing mountain after mountain, and the higher I climb, the better the view and the more I can see. Fear of the dark becomes nothing more than a silly temptation the more I realize that faith dispels it entirely each time I choose to rely on my perfect Savior in lieu of my flawed and prideful self.

I have been saying that I feel as though I have been tossed back into the middle of the ocean. I'm just treading water and drifting slowly until I can see the shore again. I feel like I'm back in deep water with only a spiritual Liahona to tell me which direction to swim in. It takes tremendous faith to stay afloat and paddle diligently onward with no immediate or tangible results.

But! As Joseph Smith said "Deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me." More than just second nature though, I have come to discover joy in uncertainty.

Some sliver of a waver (or wave!) excites me. Something about the unknown is terribly beckoning. Some mystery of a story's ending arouses a twisted kind of confidence in me. A confidence in a Creator who creates exhilarating waves and sends them crashing in my direction, an omnipotent Author who ultimately generates a more edifying plot than I could ever imagine with the powers of my own limited being.

More than that, He gives me the power to create my own destiny. Much like a thrilling roller coaster with dives and loops designed to enlighten, His path stretches ahead of me, should I choose to trust in His intimidating construction.

So what am I saying here with all of this over-the-top imagery? Well, I once told my dad (in reference to my mother and me): "Women like us aren't comfortable unless we're uncomfortable." Somehow, through a series of trials designed to test my patience and faith, I have gained an appreciation for the deep water I get thrown into every now and then. Sometimes it smells so strongly of salt that I forget how savory the moments are when I must rely solely on my spiritual senses to direct me. But without the consistent use of my swimming muscles, I'd never get anywhere anyway. So the real idea here is as simple as an oft-quoted memory-deprived fish named Dory from a children's movie:

Just keep swimming.

Just feel.

A recent missionary letter I received said:
"I want so badly for people to just stop whatever they're doing, stop thinking and just feel."

I know he's only 19, but the kid knows what he's talking about.
Sometimes nothing seems real except for the way I feel. Because nothing is real unless I feel something.

Is it possible that in a world of fast-paced technologies and endless representations of reality, we sometimes get so caught up in what swirls around us that we forget to just stop and think about ourselves and what we feel? I submit that maybe we spend so much time in movies and music and other false realities that we sometimes lose sight of our own reality.

At least I do.

So college is all about figuring yourself out, for real, you know? It's the real deal.. Deciding what you want to do for the rest of your life, and what you want to be and what you want to become. At least for me, college is about deciding and deciphering my own personal reality. That's why it doesn't matter what crazy, fun things I did this semester or last. It doesn't matter if I have a date this weekend or not. What matters is that I'm still progressing and learning at a fantastic rate and I'll never get this opportunity again. The fun times I have along the way are all part of that, but only a part. Just another tiny little piece falling into its place in the Master's grand plan.

The talk that inspired a significant portion of these thoughts: http://www.byui.edu/Presentations/Transcripts/Devotionals/2000_10_03_Hafen.htm

Think about it.
And don't be afraid to feel a little too.
<3