Worth my time.

So this morning, I was reading the Ensign, this month's, the one about sharing the gospel using technology and yada yada. And I remembered that I actually have one of these blog thingys. Believe it or not I had totally and completely forgotten all about it. Which is why I suck at blogging.

But anyway, I decided it might be a cool thing to try to share my testimony on here. It probably won't be very effective, but it's a start. And it's good for me. I'm trying to really focus my life on spiritual things, it's just so much easier said than done. It seems like even with all I do, it will never be enough. But then again, knowing me, even if I was Marshall, I still wouldn't be satisfied.

Although, I'm not of the opinion that we ever should be completely satisfied. We should always be growing. But perhaps we should be satisfied that we're growing, and not hate ourselves for never being perfect.

So, switching gears a little bit. Once upon a time, there was a boy who gave me a note with his testimony in it. I would have to say that it really changed my perspective. And boy, did it strengthen mine, just to know that there actually are other teenagers out there striving to live the gospel and do what's right. I forget that sometimes. His testimony was so simple and straightforward, that I wished mine was more like that. Instead of all complicated and read between the lines-ish. I wanted my testimony to be simple too. And just let the Spirit testify to everyone how strongly I really feel.

So I challenged myself. In testimony meeting the next Sunday, I tried to keep it short, simple, and straightforward, and generally, let the Spirit do the talking and the testifying. I tried to leave out the exciting stories from my life, that not only make my testimony more interesting to listen to, but make me look like a great young individual. In short, I tried to forget everything else, and just let my ward know, that I know.

I wrote a song about wishing people knew the things I know. It was written after a particularly draining conversation with my friend Aaron, where I tried for more than an hour to get him to listen to what the spirit was trying to tell him, to no avail. I wrote in my journal one night, that one of the worst possible feelings you could ever feel, is to see the spirit trying to reach someone who won't let it in. I had an experience at EFY where this was even more evident. My roommate had had a lot of trouble with the way boys had treated her. She'd been abused and disrespected in almost every relationship she'd had. At EFY she had expected all the boys to treat her better, and they had. But one boy, I don't even remember his name, kept crossing over the line just a little bit. And finally, during the service project, he caused her to break down in tears. He hadn't done anything horribly wicked, but the way he had treated her was not ideal. And because of her situation, it was just the thing to make her feel discouraged about life. I remember sitting out in the hall next to her while she cried. My counselor came and said some things to her, and together, the three of us said a prayer. Afterward, I felt the spirit so strong, and I knew that the spirit was trying to enter her heart, to comfort her. But for whatever reason, she wouldn't let Him in. I remember clear as day sitting with my arm around her in tense silence, completely caught up and overwhelmed by the spirit, and telling my new friend "The Spirit's trying to talk to you Ash, you need to let Him in, He's trying to comfort you."

I stand by that statement today. Many righteous prophets in the scriptures have wept because of their wicked people, who refuse to listen to the Spirit. I feel that the Spirit is always trying to be with us, to comfort us, and teach us. He wants to be with us. The choices we make, and the things we do, are what force Him away from us, or keep Him close to us.

So, I for one, try to do things in a way that I know the Spirit can be with me at all times. I try to say my prayers and read my scriptures, and church books and magazines to openly invite Him into my life. I get a little bit upset when people in my family do things that chase the Spirit away from our home. I need to work on that because that's not under my control. But I get even more upset when I do things that chase the spirit away from our home. I don't know about everyone else, but I need Him here with me, to guide me so that I don't make so many mistakes. And when I do make mistakes, or I get hurt, I need His comforting presence so that I can recover, and continuing learning and growing.